Who called it life jacket not aquaguard
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I found your tweet-up…
It all started when I realized that we didn’t call whiskers on rodents “mouse-taches”
THERAPIST *pushes intercom* Deb, cancel my 3 o’clock.
Hate when stores ban free plastic bags, they’re great for picking up dog poop. Guess I’ll find a new hobby to spend my time. Maybe get a dog
Modded the new Gran Turismo
You’d be surprised how much of parenting is reminding your children not to eat soup with their hands.
Girls have Galentine’s day but I just gave my buddy a 12 pack of beer and called it a dozen broses.
Yes, Andrew Tate may own 33 gas guzzling cars, but Greta Thunberg now owns one Andrew Tate.
8: I’m gonna marry someone who likes a different cereal than I do, so he won’t eat all my favorite cereal.
Me: Sounds pretty legit.
“Open face” is both a good type of sandwich and also how you eat them
me: when the weinermobile goes through the car wash do they take the bun portion off or do they just let it get all soggy
judge: i meant questions about your life sentence
“I need a beer, you want one?”
– me, helping my son with his Legos
*God creating the rhino*
God: How’d the unicorn thing go?
A: There were problems.
G: What?
A: We got an angry spiked cow.
G: Close enough.
1: How old is James Earl Jones?
2: She’s 30
1: OMG WHAT?
1996: My loneliness is killin’ me
2020: That’s cute.
As your goth personal trainer, I urge you to stay in shape so that you can outrun your haunted past.
Convicted of murdering the English language, he was sentenced to death by elocution.
Me: You’re leaving me again?
Her: (packing)
Me: Is it because I mix up the suffixes for ordinal numbers?
Her: (walking downstairs)
Me: ..my misuse of common sayings?
Her: (opening door)
Me: Come on, one more chance!
Her: (car starting)
Me, yelling: 5rd time’s a charm!
[Top of the Eiffel Tower]
Me: I just want you to know “eiffel” in love with you
Them:
Me: get it? “I fell”
Them: *pushes me off* you fell
Leaf blowers… making leaves your neighbor’s problem since 1977.
My girl knows I’d never cheat on her because she would need to arrange it and remind me 37 times so I don’t forget
If you want me to die in a horrible accident tell me there’s an ice cream bar at the top of a spiral staircase.
wife hoping for a normal day: good morning
me: im gonna try to become left handed
[at the sistine chapel]
me: *raising my hand at the back of the tour group* so where are chapels one through fifteen
tour guide: *angry italian noises*
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
Anyone else rip their mask off when they get in to the car like they’ve just finished a disappointing surgery on Grey’s Anatomy
Cheetos are like baby carrots that you can eat.
Him: Hey girl, what that mouth do?
Me: Mostly complain. Sometimes binge eat. I also get these weird sores that – wait, where are you going?
[Me to the second baseman after I slide into 2nd] Make sure u separate plastics & food waste
[Coach from dugout] NOT THAT KIND OF TRASH TALK
I’m the Cinderella of finding one shoe at a sale and not finding the other and losing my own along the way.
The worst things in life are free, too. Like, gonorrhea, chapped elbows and flyers left on your windshield.