The Hurricane came through here like a tornado
-Lady on the News just now
I don’t want to live on this planet anymore
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the cvs cashier asked me how im doing as i put some diarrhea medicine on the counter. “not great man ive got diarrhea” i told him
Cop: *into walkie talkie* we have a wreck on highway 15
Me: look I know I’m a wreck
Cop: you’ve been wearing those sweatpants for 4 days
me:
cop: also you hit 26 cars
I cleared the leaves out of my flower bed because I practice good floral hygiene.
I don’t delete my bad tweets because why should I suffer alone.
TV chef warns against “over vegetablizing” a sandwich. I lean in closely, hoping he’s also against “under buttering” everything else.
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats
interviewer: why do you want to work here?
me: to be able to afford food
interviewer: we’re really looking for someone motivated by the job
me: …do you think your job is better motivation than not starving to death?
It’s kind of comforting to know that no matter what you might be going through in life, that glitter you barely touched 12 years ago will always be there, on your face, making you look like an idiot.
If a performance is exceptionally bad, I throw potatoes. They’ll remember next time.
Pilot intercom: We are currently 30,000 feet in the air.
Me to my wife: No way there are 15,000 people on this plane.
Wife to flight attendant: Are there any other seats available?
In response to McDonald’s pay with hugs campaign, Nationwide will allow you to pay for insurance with DEATH.
I’m suspicious of polyamory because a good relationship is like a conspiracy to assassinate the president. You must trust in your fellow conspirators completely, so you have to keep the group as small as possible.
When someone RTs me, I get as excited as I used to when I was ten and I got mail
I spent tonight convincing my toddler that naps are different than sleep so even if she won’t go to sleep she can at least nap, what I’m saying is, don’t mess with moms, we got game
The best way to get a job is to hold the other person’s hand through the interview. If you don’t get hired, no worries. You made a friend.
Me: “You didn’t tell me that.”
Them: “Yes I did, four times while you were staring at your phone.”
Me (looks up): “I’m sorry, what?”
A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says,
“Five beers, please.”
Interviewer: It says here you’re good with ‘grammars’?
Me: Very yes.
The other day my son asked me who picks up the seeing eye dog’s poop.
“Get better” is a nice thing to write on a card. “Get better soon” feels a little threatening though. What’s the rush
ME: You wanted me to bring home some bears, right?
HIM: Beers
ME: Haha. Yeah. That was a joke. Anyways, don’t go in the garage for a few hours.
snowmen are one of the cutest things about humanity tbh. like oh it snowed? why don’t we make a little guy about it
The point of your 20s
Before you react, just know that everyone’s is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Literally everyone.
Dave’s out back punching a hornet’s nest. Monica’s wrestling her grandma in the bathroom.
Nobody knows why. It’s absolute chaos.
Me: I don’t know how to hold this baby
Her: Head held high
Me *proudly* I don’t know how to hold this baby
[3am]
Me:
My Dog: time to set the world record for licking noises
True friends show up during the middle of a bad date, dressed like a police officer and pretend to arrest you for murdering 7 other guys after the first date.
When you give someone a present, unless you say “open it”, they’re legally not allowed to look inside.
if you have a weird name and appear in movie’s closing credits, i will find you and i will say you
When someone asks why you don’t have kids just say “dingoes”