7 had questions about periods so I answered as best as I could and when I told her they happen every month, she burst into tears which is the appropriate response.
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The tapeworm was replaced by the CD-worm and then eventually by the mp3-worm.
Don’t ask me how evolution works!
There’s an old man sittin’ next to me
Makin’ love to his napkin and knife
And he’s talkin’ with Davy who’s covered in gravy
And probably will be for lifeSo anyway that’s why you failed your health inspection. You can read the rest in the report.
all I wanna do is
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
move to a safer neighborhood
Everything went according to a plan I didn’t have.
Now they’ll never find me…😂😏🐻
On the news: there’s a shortage of maternity-ward staff.
You could say it’s a bit of a…*looks away*
*mumbles*
MIDWIFE crisis!
(…sorry.)
still one of the greatest philosophical minds of our time
🤣🤣
*rushes in*
“Sorry I didn’t see the email”
*slow smile*
*twirls hair*[Teaching office new girl how to be late for meetings]
I came home to find my boyfriend mopping the floor and my first thought was, “who’d he kill?”
Should I ever become president everyone who uses the word “bae” will be sterilized.
Have you seen that ad where a Google Pixel owner talks about the phone automatically contacting emergency services after his car accident?
You know somebody is going to hit a telephone pole deliberately just to test that out.
Guys are like bears, if you lay very still they’ll paw at you a little bit then give up and go look for food..
After a heated discussion with Marie Kondo i’ve decided to throw myself in the trash.
*Listens to We Didn’t Start the Fire by Billy Joel*
*Adds history major to resumé*
Me: *holding a devil’s food cake*
Satan:
Me:
Satan: Give it back…
I accidentally used my son’s body wash, now I hate jackets and just called my mom bruh
the woman at the tire store told me today to “come back in a week and get my nuts re-torqued”, without even a hint of a smile on her face
Please don’t tell me how bad your life was growing up, we had to manually roll up our cars windows
[Heaven]
Saint Peter: Welcome to the pearly gates! You’re here early; you must be dying to get in! LOL
Me: Too soon…
[First date after divorce]
Me: I’m gonna need to see your medical records.
I’m at the “my 7 yr old gave himself a hickey on his arm” part of the parenting journey.
Hashtag blessed.
Me: I’m gluten free and lactose intolerant
Them: so what do you eat?
Me: mostly cheese.
Wow, you’re a Sagittarius??
That must mean you’re trusting, passionate and thick as pig shit to think I care about horoscopes
Give a man a fish and he’ll see if there are microwave instructions on the side.
JELLYFISH: *to friend* Want to see something disgusting? Watch this.
*stings person*
FRIEND: That wasn’t dis…
JELLYFISH: Wait a minute.
[First day of zombie apocalypse]
Me: We have enough food to last 18 months.
Wife: Ok, we need to ration properly-
[Both kids walk in with crumbs on their faces]: Anything left to eat?
I carpool with a guy & we have officially run out of things to talk about. Today he commented on how well-made the road was. I agreed.
There is no “I” in TEAM. But there is MEAT.
Delicious meat.