My daughter wants to know why I won’t peel and slice her apple and according to her “because I’m driving” is not a valid excuse.
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Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
Am I the most attractive woman out there ? Of course not. But do I have a good personality ? Well, no. But do I wake up every day and try to be the best person that I can be ? Also no.
This day in history. 2000. International Mother Language Day recognizes the cultural significance of such phrases as “Don’t make me come over there!” and “Because I said so!”
There’s a knock at the door. I open it, but there’s no one there. Unsettled, I slow down a little and pull into the middle lane.
Me: Get off the iPad and play with your new gifts.
9yo: Ok, can you help me set up this microscope? Do we have vinegar and distilled water for this craft set? How does this weaving loom work? Can you do a mad lib with me?
Me: Go play the iPad.
“I know she told me to buy Tampax, but I’ll buy the store brand that’s on sale instead.”
The last thoughts of a man who’s about to die.
When everyone is getting off the zoom call but you’re struggling to find the leave meeting button so then it’s just you and the host
Wanna feel old? Helium formed for the first time 13.8 billions years ago.
Europeans’ out of offices are like “I will not be working until 18 September. All emails will be automatically deleted.”
Americans: “I am in the hospital. Email responses may be delayed by up to 30 mins. Sorry for the inconvenience! If urgent, please reach me in the ER at…”
A lady in a BMW pulled up to me on my bike to ask if it was hot out, and now my goal is to be so rich I can’t feel weather.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship No, I don’t think we are on the same page.
ME: i have a cold
WIFE: for the last time it’s called an ice cube
A water park, but it’s just the bathroom counter after my kids brush their teeth
me: I wish I knew how to make you less angry
her: you could start by just listening to me once in a-
me: I mean I’ll do anything
her: I just said you can lis-
me: anything at all
I keep all my valuables near the front door so if burglars breaks in during the night they will not wake me up.
It’s amusing when people wave back at me on hiking trails when all I’m really doing is swatting away flies.
I have this fantasy that all lights go out in the world when I’m at the grocery store. While everyone panics, I grab a head of broccoli, stab the base with a carrot, and light it like a torch.
Look, I never said I was any good at fantasy, you guys.
[on the playground]
mom: go play with that little boy honey, he’s got a race car
3-year-old shania twain: mommy that don’t impwessa me much
doctor: im afraid we’re going to have to amputate a leg
flamingo: i’ll manage
spider: same
snake: i have a question
Me: Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice!
Bartender: doesn’t matter how many times you say it, we don’t have it
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats.
Sorry waiter for pushing you over when you asked me to tip you
The pizza delivery guys say “see you tomorrow” to everyone, right?
“Please. My wife. She’s very sick.”
Hand embroidery on cotton. Custom order lol.
Who called it a scale and not a weigh of life?
there are five seasons: reese’s pumpkin season, reese’s christmas tree season, reese’s heart season, reese’s egg season, and the long loneliness
When you’re Kinky but poor
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
Imagine my surprise when I found out that don’t is not the abbreviation for donut
HR: you list 911 as your emergency contact
me: i hear they’re the best