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Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
At least something in this house will finally get stuffed tomorrow.
Satan: *rubbing temples* For the love of God and everything holy, put your clothes back on.
Me: Not until you turn the heat down.
corny joke guy that everyone hates: “whats the difference between a piano and a fish? you can tune a piano but you cant-
me: *pulls out my perfectly tuned sardine harp and begins to play Pantera’s “Cowboys From Hell”
[blind date]
HER: I like puns but they have to be, you know, artistic
ME: Vincent van…go on
We shouldn’t send our trash into space, that’s how you get space raccoons
Your parents taught you to wash your hands after you pee. My parents taught me not to pee on my hands in the first place.
Just because someone smiles a lot doesn’t mean they’re nice. Take alligators for example.
A pig’s orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. So would mine, probably, if I was having sex with something made out of bacon.
My son asked to read one of my scripts three weeks ago. Still hasn’t read it. I can’t believe I’m raising a studio executive.
me a half hour into explaining the future to a time traveller: I don’t know how they did it but im glad they did
guy from the 1600’s: and they’re called dortios?
I said “Candyman” 5 times into the bathroom mirror and sure enough some woman came out of the stall and screamed at me for being in there.
The USS B port
Why is my life so hard?!!
~Me, trying to open a jar .
there should be an olympic sport for pessimism, not that i could ever win
After a funeral I try to join the family for the lunch, the hardest part is waiting at the cemetery in the mornings to find a nice family.
ok like just. call me at this point
We’ve secretly replaced the G with a K on this bottle of Jergens.
Let’s see if he notices.
honestly it’s up to you whether or not you refer to it as the Last Supper or the First Murder Mystery Dinner
No one would ever question Siri’s directions if she said them with more conviction. “Keep right, if you want to live.”
Me to my children: I would kill and die for you
Also me to my children: I AM NOT YOUR DAMN MAID AND WILL BURN ALL THE SHIT ON YOUR BEDROOM FLOORS IN A MASSIVE BONFIRE AND DANCE AROUND THE FLAMES IN GLORY AND RAGE
me [pounding on my son’s locked bedroom door]: open up this instant! this is my house!
son: well actually you have a mortgage, so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me [to wife]: i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
When someone asks you “what is it that you like about me?”
“You’re gluten-free” isn’t the answer they want to hear.
me: just checkin to see if you’re ok, missed you at dinner
telemarketer who calls at the same time every day: oh hey it’s not a good time, can I call you back
At least my masseuse has my back.
Me: *holding my pet rat who is wearing full karate gear* Oh RAP battle, that makes more sense.
Just heard a little boy call his mom “mother,” as if both had already accepted the fact that he’d become a serial killer some day.
If you ever have doubts about whether people are stupid, ask a tattoo artist what they’ve had to refuse to do for a customer
My boss says that I have some exciting new assignments coming, whoa buddy, I will be the judge of that.
[person at the grocery store is crowding my personal space]
me: oh hi do you work here can i ask you a question
[person at the grocery store is immediately no longer crowding my personal space]