The mailman asked me to stop my dog from barking and not sure why he thinks I’d side with him, the guy that brings me bills and catalogues I hate, over my dog, the guy that is the most handsome boy in the entire world.
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I will never stop laughing at this
One of the kids just asked for family game night like we weren’t already fed up with each other enough as it is
“Friends” ended 10 years ago today, but thanks to television, “me having friends” ended long before that.
Atleast it’s not a pyramid scheme 🤷🏼♀️😂
I drink expresso irregardless of the time, because, for all intensive purposes, its good for my sole. Also, it keeps my brain alot sharper.
[first day as hostage negotiater]
me: [taking the phone] yyyyyelllo
[loud explosion from inside the bank]
soldier: is that a picture of your love?
me: *folding a Subway coupon back into my wallet* yeah
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
Anyone want a chair?
“I could play my drum for him? Would your sleeping baby enjoy that?”
Spent $500 on groceries today. Any minute now, one of my kids will list 10 things I forgot.
When I was 35, I put my finger in a small alligator’s mouth to see if it would hurt. Did it hurt? Yes. Do I regret it? No. I go into a lot of things and I KNOW I will get hurt, but I’m left with something money can’t buy. A pretty cool scar.
If you kill a spider you’re brave but if you kill a person you’re a monster, I’m really tired of these double standards
I don’t wish my ex-husband ill. I just hope he can’t ever find a parking spot and that his food is never quite the right temperature.
Therapist: it’s not real. you have to stop deluding yourself
Me: no I really am a gryffindor I swear
Therapist: abbie, we both know you’re a hufflepuff
WHAT I SAY: that’s one way of looking at it
WHAT I MEAN: in the history of stupid things said by stupid people, what just came out of your mouth is, by far, the stupidest. If there were stupidity trophies, yours would be gold plated and set atop a plinth reading STUPID.
me: grandma u cant believe every article on facebook
also me:[reads thread on twitter] ok avril lavigne has definitely been dead since 2003
I know there is something wrong with my car the old fashioned way. I smell it or hear it.
girlfriend: [seductively] is there anything new you’d like to try in bed
me: maybe spaghetti but I’d probably make a mess
Store clerk: May I help you?
Me: I hope so. Sweetie go get your math homework, this nice woman is going to help us.
If you believe a food is 0 calories hard enough, it becomes true.
Follow me for more health advice
DOCTOR: Im sorry, I can’t see you right now
ME: [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol that is so awesome
The first time my daughter met her Great Aunt she turned to me and moistly whispered “I thought it was weird that you called her great, but I see it now”
TREE: omg what happened to you
LOG: i was hacked
Hell hath no fury like an old lady scolding you for going in the wrong direction down a one-way aisle at the grocery store.
Me checking my bank balance online.
The most romantic restaurant in the world is not as dimly lit as the operating room on a TV medical drama.
rt if you’d call your friend just to tell them that potatoes came to japan in 1600
Realtor Dog: if you’d like to buy this house, pee here… and here
Me: *patting my wife’s belly* we have something to tell you
Her Mom: what?
Me: *patting her mom’s belly* I have a new disorder that makes me do this
Her Dad: are you serious?
Me: *patting his belly* yes