If I wanted to have a dry January, I would just look at a photo of my ex every morning.
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genie: please no
millipede: more legs
me: so what’s the policy on backpack snacks
skydiving instructor: absolutely not
If the work week didn’t already exist and someone pitched the idea of everyone working 5 out of every 7 days they’d get thrown in a volcano
*phone rings*
Menacing voice: ‘Have you checked the children?’
Me: ‘Could you do it?’
I blame our unhappy marriage on my wife mostly because of her poor choice in men.
Gollum had a pretty sweet setup for a while. Cave where no one bothers him. Cool item to look at in his cave
my name is luke but my friends dont call me
[first day as a soldier]
ME: whoa i almost stepped on a land grenadeSARGE: mine
ME: whoa i almost stepped on your land grenade
My girlfriend said we should each pick a “hall pass”, just in case we ever met that person. I chose Kate Upton and she chose her roommate Connor
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
well maybe the Bible is misspelled and my angle tattoo is fine.
Any port in a storm is a fun expression until you’re the port. It’s still good but a little hurtful.
Someone posts video
“Wait till the end”Me – *fast forwards to the end*
Me: *enters Manager’s office wearing a pheasant face mask*
Manager: *sighs* “You know full well what I meant when I said that you needed your game face on for the meeting today”
Familiarity with a stranger might mean they’re an old soul you knew in a former life.
But it’s more likely a sociopath.
~Inspirational
No I don’t want to “just follow you” give me the damn address.
Mom: I think I’m gonna make a twitter
Me: Mom it costs like $500 a year…
Mom: That’s expensive I’ll stick with Facebook
Me: Aww too bad
911: ‘911 what’s your emergency?’
Me *mumbles ‘I just got to the nursery and they replaced all the kids with PLANTS!’
911: *click
Me: I’m so emotional today
8 ice cream sandwiches: We can help!
*arouses suspicion*
Suspicion: I have a boyfriend. But c’mere.
I read all men’s tweets in the voice of Homer Simpson. Especially the sex tweets.
Sorry but if these walls could talk I’m pretty sure they’d talk about wall things and not whatever scandal you’re blowing out of proportion.
Feeling lazier than the guy who named the anteater
“What’s this thing eat? Cool.”
You know your exes are too similar to each other when four of them get mad about the same tweet
I like to use the formal version of people’s names.
So like, if your name is Terry, I’ll call you Terrence. Larry, Lawrence. Barry, Barrence. Bobby, Bobbence. I don’t know any girls.
In the garden centre and a woman’s screaming:
“DON’T PUT YOUR FINGER IN THAT VENUS FLY TRAP AGAIN JOHN!”
Everyone looks over expecting a child and there’s John, 70, with his finger in a Venus fly trap.
Whenever I’m upset with my dog for acting up, I remind her which one of us is the owner and then we laugh and laugh.
You can tell how single I am by the way my cat and dog wear their sombreros with quiet dignity and acceptance.
Cop: First name please…
“Frida”
Cop: Last name…
“Gomam”
Cop: You’re Frida Gomam?
*peels out*
Cop: Nice, nice
my kids: i can’t wait! we’re going to the beach! squee!
also my kids: ew! i hate sand! get it off of me!