Just realized half way through my date that I still had lipstick on my forehead from my mom kissing me goodbye.
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Burglars are getting very clever these days..
Last night, my wife woke me up..*Darling! Darling! There’s a burglar downstairs!!*
So I go down, check every room and don’t find anyone.
Then I realized I don’t have a wife and when I went back upstairs my bed and tv were gone.
“Plagiarism Squad reporting for duty.” / “Copy that.”
(Husband asks to see my phone)
Swallows phone like a boa constrictor.
Me, after seeing photos of myself: Maybe I DO need to exercise and eat healthy.
Also me: *double-fisting two glasses of chocolate milk at midnight*
You know why some people wear socks with sandals?Cos they’ve never been punched in the head for it.If you see an offender,do the right thing
*takes the high road*
*gets altitude sickness*
“Don’t kid yourself.”
—birth control advert
I want my house to be tidy enough that if someone unexpectedly stops by, it doesn’t look like we’re seven hours in to battling a bear that broke in.
Me: [dies in the living room]
Dad: He never liked following directions
BOSS: This team isn’t performing, hire someone with a good track record
[2 wks later]
ME: I’d like you to meet our new employee, Usain Bolt
Week three of my new job, they’re all cunts.
There’s a weekly team call at 9am every Monday, what’s wrong with these people???
One day I’m going to cure blindness. You’ll see! You’ll all see!
told my dad about a rough patch i went through mentally and he asked in a concerned voice whether i’d still managed to take my car in for routine maintenance
ADHD is being excited to have a looming deadline because it means it’s actually going to be easy to start your work today.
If a recipe calls for watermelon and you can’t find one you can substitute two hydrogenmelons and an oxygenmelon and nobody will know
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
me at the door waiting for my grubhub chicky wings
I’m extremely upset with myself for speeding, Officer. Giving me a ticket now would only delay the healing process.
Me at 5 p.m.: One cup of coffee won’t keep me from sleeping tonight.
Me at 2 a.m.:
What is the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don’t know, and I don’t care.
Shaved my legs for the 1st time in forever today. It was like taking a bulldozer to the rainforest. Birds flying out, villagers scattering.
just got divorced on zoom in a dunkin donuts, the way the lord intended
HR: Do you use the visualization exercises from the anger management class?
Me: Yes, I picture a swarm of bees attacking co-workers.
Please don’t interrupt me when I’m trying to overhear something.
Ain’t no way
witch 1: i can’t find my broom
witch 2: that’s fine i can drive a stick
me noticing the blood pressure machine says keep arm still: cmon cmon cmon
guys im robbing a pharmacy with: we gotta go
My son won a plastic horn at the fair so now our house is filled with obnoxious noise because my husband won’t put it down
In medieval times, infant mortality was so high that parents would often avoid posting pregnancy pics on Facebook until the 3rd trimester.
My wife tried imitating the weird groaning sound her car is making, and all three auto mechanics asked her out.