MUGGER: Give me your money
ME: Stay back, I have mice
MUGGER: lol I think you mean mace
*I’ve already thrown a mouse at him*
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[After first teeth cleaning since lockdown]
Okay. Weigh me now
Call centre operator: “Sorry for the delay, bear with me … ”
Me: “Put the bear on, he probably knows more.”
Guys in motorcycle clubs should have to go door to door like Mormon missionaries.
I don’t really wanna join but I’d like to be asked
At the dmv waiting outside for my daughter to fill out paperwork. I’m remembering when I was 16 and my dad backed the car into the spot so I could just pull forward with the test guy. It worked! And 35 years later, I still can’t back out very well.
I’m “that burger I ate is fighting back” years old.
Don’t buy a belt at the zoo, it’s just a snake trying to escape.
Talk to me like you’re trying to steal my credit card number, baby
Cigarettes have warning labels because they are dangerous and addictive yet vaginas are allowed to just roam around freely.
*pounding on Sunday’s still chest*
STAY WITH ME GODDAMMIT STAY WITH ME
Oh, lord. I brought my mouth with me to work today and it’s all sass. Prayers, please.
too much pressure deciding when to look at a person walking towards me on the sidewalk
If biscuits were slimming and contained every nutrient the human body needs, I’d be in terrific shape.
Parents yelling “I’m not going to ask you again” at their kids, will definitely be asking them again
[interview at J Crew]
interviewer: explain this gap on your resume
me: no
interviewer:
me: they made me sign a pretty thorough non-disclosure agreement
“But, I’m a talking tree!” said the oak.
“And, you will dialogue,” replied the lumberjack.
Seals are just dog mermaids.
Water Polo is one shark away from being the most entertaining sport around
Sir this bag is too heavy, you’ll have to pay an extra $25 to check it.
Sure thing *dumps 2500 pennies from bag onto counter*
While assembling new desks at my kids’ school this afternoon another dad gave me unsolicited instructions on how to use an allen wrench. I’m not sure if I should be insulted that he thinks I’m an idiot or flattered that he thinks I can afford real furniture.
construction worker: [pulls lever to pour cement out of truck]
me: [tumbles out instead] i accidentally ate all your sidewalk pudding again
I bet when the first guy wore glasses everybody was like “Oh la de da, excuse me Mr. I Need TWO Monocles.”
I can’t go to jail…
I have serious food allergies!
COP: do you know why I pulled you over
ME: knock knock
COP: who’s there
ME: do you know why I pulled you over
COP: *begins to sweat* n..no
Tell me one musician who was born to ask permission to go online.
I’ll start: Kenny Loggins
I feel like true love can be proven by whether you would stay with your partner if they suddenly started wearing a beret all the time
my kid, carrying one small toy and a water bottle: mom, can you get my backpack, my hands are really full
me, carrying 8 grocery bags:
likes 853 pics in your media, don’t make this awkward boo.
You have tattoos and curves?
*unbuttons pants*
You’re also batshit crazy?
*takes off pants*
You listen to Paramore?
*puts on clothes*