Twerking is the crocs of dancing.
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Me: being able to see yourself in others is what it means to be human
Captcha:
The greatest trick The Devil ever pulled was NOT letting his friends and family know he was good with computers.
i just overheard this conversation from my family and i honestly give up jesus christ
sister: the bus driver earlier had sunglasses on + it’s been raining all day
dad:
sister: i wonder why. maybe he was blind?
dad: oh yeah, maybe
[they watch tv in silence]
me: ?????
When asked what deceased historical figure I’d like resurrected to be my dinner companion, I always answer Einstein.
When told it’s an uninspired, clichéd choice, I clarify Milena Einstein.
Being vaccinated does NOT mean it’s ok to pose as a substitute music teacher at an elite private elementary school, expose the students to hard rock legends, secretly form a band, compete in a local Battle of the Bands and lose to No Vacancy!!!
DATE: Tell me about yourself
ME: I own 7 pens!
D: I meant, like, something personal
M:*Sadly* I lie about how many pens I own to impress ppl
I’m smarter than I look. I was gonna say -more intelligenter- but wasn’t sure how to spell it so…
Sounds like thunder outside, but it’s 2020, might be King Kong for all I know.
you’re fasting for lent, I’m furiousing for lent; we are not the same
If television has taught me anything, it’s that I can totally outrun an explosion.
Wife: Your problem is your incompetence
Me: I can hold my pee just fine
Whenever I see a family and one child is trudging slightly behind everyone and crying, I want to lean in and whisper, “Someday you will write jokes.”
I would make an awesome panda because I too excel at looking adorable while doing nothing.
*in a fight with my dr boyfriend*
HIM: I’m sorry about last night.
ME: *takes a bite of an apple*
apparently “spite” is not the appropriate answer to “What motivates you?”
One man. One tuba. A whole public library full of unsuspecting people. And no law enforcement anywhere in sight.
ME: ugh turn this off, I hate depressing movies
GOD: This is your life flashing before your eyes
ME: Put Ratatouille on
I’ll be like “I’m just gonna go take a quick look around the bookstore” and come back weeks later in flowing white robes having defeated a Balrog
I asked my 5yo if he wanted leftover chicken for dinner, he said ‘ew, that’s a whole day old’ and I didn’t know I gave birth to a mini Gordon Ramsey.
The suburbs are powerful. No matter how strong you think you are, by day two you’re eating dinner at 4 and asking what the weather’s looking like tomorrow
[Sperm Bank]
DOCTOR (to the Nurse): Get a load of this guy
*Belle falls in love with Beast*
Everyone: STOCKHOLM SYNDROME!! Called it!
*Belle speaks to furniture*
Everyone: this is fine
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘monosyllabic’
“Can you describe it in a sentence?”
Yes
The enemy of my frenemy is my frenenemy
I tried to cook beef Wellington. It was just beef Okayington
Hear me out, a Barbie whose hair color changes to gray everytime a child screams.
ME: Here’s your Mickey Mouse pancake
HER: This isn’t Mickey Mouse shaped
ME: I suppose you’d think banana pancakes should be banana shaped
Returns clerk: Was something wrong with this birdseed?
Me: It didn’t grow a single bird.