So wait, fruits and nuts are only healthy when they’re not covered in chocolate?
Dieting is bullshit.
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road expansion addicts be like “just one more lane bro i promise traffic will be fixed, just one more i can stop whenever”
I like to help my wife cook by standing in front of whichever cabinet door she needs to get into at any given time.
Bank Robber: Did anyone see my face?
Me: *raising hand* I’m pretty sure Barb did.
Before I was married I had no idea I was sneezing wrong.
My dog is doing her silly “I Just Made A Giant Poop” happy dance. I’m happy for her but also like, super jealous.
I never thought you could get your hand stuck in a ukulele
But here we are
Doctor: You have to eat healthier
Cannibal: [starts eating vegans]
zookeeper: have you folks seen the lions yet?
me: no, not yet!
zookeeper : ok *starts sweating* well stay calm and let someone know if you do
Her: Feed me!
Me: To what?
Her: what was that about?
Me: I read somewhere if a bear comes too close you should piss yourself to ward him off
Her: at the zoo tho?
a good captain goes down with the ship, i personally don’t need a professional obligation to sink to the bottom of the ocean, i just do it
When I was a kid I used to sneak into the racetrack. I was making a bet at the window and the lady said, “You’re not eighteen.” I said, “It’s for my dad,” and pointed out some old drunk. He waved. She said, “He looks wasted.” I said, “He is. Don’t make fun of my dad.”
Kylo Ren: Hey, why is my paycheck so low?
General Hux: Damages. Maybe you should stop throwing temper tantrums with your lightsaber.
Sorry I’m late, there was a dad yelling at his teenage son for buying $90 jeans and I had to hear every word of it.
Oh you “like women?” Cool, name three of their early works.
[fire raging in my bedroom]
smoke alarm:
[i cook a piece of toast for 17 seconds]
smoke alarm: OMFG WE R ALL GONNA DIE
It’s alright if we’re doing it all wrong. After all, we are the first generation to deal with midlife crisis by staring at our phones.
[in line for coffee]
Me (in my head): hi I’d like a caramel macchiato please. hi can I get a caramel macchiato? hi, I’d like one-
Barista: NEXT!
Me: Hello, um, I’d like one, uhhh *stumbling* carnival avocado
Me (in my head): god dammit
put a pic of a girl with perfect abs on my fridge so I’m motivated to suck in my gut every time I pull out the ice cream
Sometimes passing by a nursing home is the only reminder I need to go buy my kids whatever they want.
My life these days is basically the “before” segment of an infomercial for a revolutionary new mop.
Mud season creeps up on us every year, destroying hearts and minds as well as light grey carpeting.
5yo *oldest*: Dad, why do we have to eat our vegetables?
Me: You know what? Our first kid asked the same question
“Can I ask you a question?” – my daughter, 73 questions ago
My kids made a toy phone for the baby so he can call his baby friends, and I’m like, come on, be real. He’s a baby. He doesn’t have friends.
[Soldiers regrouping]
Where’s Jim?
He went M.I.A.
*Cut to Jim*
♫ All I wanna do
*bang bang bang bang*
*reloading noise*
And shoot enemies ♫
Me: how about if I scrunch down a little more
DMV Photographer: you absolutely cannot have your horse in this picture
This might be the most wholesome advice column question I have ever seen
Girls are girls. They will wait for your reply without texting you!
My house could be 99% tile and my kid would still barf directly onto the rug.