Me: I wonder why my stomach hurts
Taco Bell: that’s weird, I dunno what it could be
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*Pikachu dies*
Ghost of Pikachu: At least in death I’m allowed a respite from the technological prison that is a pokeball.
*ghostbusters arrive*
*At Super Bowl Party*
Hey baby, they’ve got a WHOLE bunch of shrimp here, did you bring the big purse?
instagram reminding me of when my little brother ruined a pair of shoes for a class project on entrepreneurship
GOP in 2008: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2012: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2016: Ok Hitler actually had some cool ideas
Good morning Twitter. It’s been 43 minutes since my last confession…
My neighbor started mowing his yard at 6am so I opened all my windows and vacuumed because I don’t understand how revenge works.
Valentine’s Day is *not* the most romantic day of the year; the winter solstice is, because it gives you the most amount of time to spend with your vampire husband before the sun rises.
There is no real comfortable way to explain to your gynecologist that it’s your feet that smell.
[commercial for college]
*person shoveling money into furnace*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better way?
In Canada, street racing is just people competing to see who can dig their car out of the snow first.
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
Me: look who came by for a little sucky sucky
Vampire: don’t say it like that
The directions say take two of the One a Day vitamins and that’s why nothing makes sense in this world.
said some terrible things about a coworker’s newborn when she called it a “week old baby” and I thought we were roasting it
Doctor said only clear liquids before surgery. Vodka should qualify just fine.
[Job Interview]
Sir, it says here you’re part of a small group of criminals that primarily kills interviewersoohhhhmygod
Brie is my favorite cheese that sounds like a white girl you meet for a mani/pedi while drinking Chardonnay & quoting “Mean Girls.”
[talking with counselor]
I don’t “know” what “she” means that I “use” excessive air quotes
Thoughts while driving:
-Hope that light stays green.
-Hope it stays yellow.
-Hope no one saw me run that red light.
She: why are you dressed up as a duck?
Me: did you know people feed ducks in the park?
Me: why aren’t you studying?
My kid: I didn’t see you coming.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “cat”
ME: ok
JUDGE: incorrect
When I was little, I once said that my dad could run faster than ketchup coming out of a bottle.
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
[pizza delivery]
Girl: Is there an other way I can pay you? *bites lip*
uh HELL YEAH!
*pulls out phone*
see that RT button?
Pizza won’t solve your problems but you gotta try something.
Boobytrap backwards is partyboob.
Moving on.
[First day as a beaver]
Me: Dam.