therapist: these people who think you’re “funny” *takes off his glasses* are they in the room with us right now?
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Don’t be ashamed of who you are.
That’s your parents job.
I shaved and now I can fit into my smaller jeans.
[texting]
her: 🍆+🍑
me: *shows up with eggplant parmesan and peach pie*
her: YES!!!!
Day 5 of self quarantine:
My all hamster version of The Sound of Music has hit a snag because Maria ate three of the Von Trapp children
HER: I’m a big fan of Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name 3 other ultimate spiritual goals
Cop: before I search your pockets is there anything I should be aware of?
Me: we brush our teeth with hair on a stick and brush our hair with teeth on a stick
Cop: *on radio* get the feds
MARRIED WHITE FEMALE in search of someone to remove holiday cookies and treats from her hands. Must be of strong constitution.
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
I almost slept through the whole thing
*best day ever*
If the hand soap isn’t for drinking why do they put a straw in the bottle?
PSA: If you’re going to order Doordash at your paramour’s house don’t use the account linked to your Wife’s phone. When she gets notification the driver is on the way, you can bet she’s ALSO on her way. She’ll follow that map all the way to you. And record it all for Court.
adding to the discourse
Cops: put your hands where we can see them
Invisible man:
[sees hot girl in bar]
me: [takes wedding ring off] so… do you come here often?
her: give me back my ring
I like you, but I don’t “give you a roll of my toilet paper” like you…
As a kid Popeye was my hero. I’d stare at canned spinach and longed to eat it so I could be as strong as him. One day I stole a can from my grandma and with sweet anticipation took my first bite ever only to find out it tasted like… well canned spinach. Crime doesn’t pay kids.
Me: *mopping floor* don’t slip
3yo: *walks by*
Me: *slips*
3yo: like that?
Me: just leave okay
‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who don’t know me‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who know me
If your name is Marco and you were in the dentist office waiting room this morning, just wanted to apologize for my three teenage daughters yelling, ‘Polo’ in unison after they called your name.
Almost arrived at work when my kid asked “Where’re we going?” Who the hell did I just drop off at school?!
Why is the floor squeaking upstairs; does the cat weigh that much? Jeezus I hope the cat weighs that much.
My wife is the most beautiful, intelligent person standing right behind me reading my Twitter feed.
3yo: I want to have a real turkey on Fanksgiving
Me: Yes, Grandma will have real turkey when we go to her house.
3yo: And I will pet him! And him will say “gobble gobble.”
😬
I love how this generation broke the previous misconception that “people with tattoos can’t get good jobs” and now we all agree that “people with and without tattoos can’t get good jobs”.
if potheads are lazy then why did I just go to my car to get a lighter?
today a banana gave me heartburn and all i’m saying is m&ms don’t do that shit
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
Red Skull’s name is pretty on-the-nose. How did his parents know.
[6:00pm] i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight
[11:00pm] yay i did it!
[11:01pm] *preheats oven*
BOSS: You’re late again today
ME {still using the Mayan calendar}: We’re lucky to even be here you know