you: this is my avocado peeler, and this is my avocado masher, and this is my avocado slicer…
me: fork.
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The existence of Kylo Ren implies the existence of Kylo Stimpy.
boss: stop saying “see you soon” to every customer.
me: i’m confused do we want repeat business or not?
boss: yes of course but this is-
me: a friendly salutation to keep’em coming back?
boss: -a funeral home.
The person who pitched the puss in boots solo movie did so with ‘shrekless abandon.’
Company loyalty can often be explained by Stockholm syndrome.
Interviewer: Describe your current position.
Me [from my wheelchair]: Seated.
Have you ever been driving on a highway and afraid to exit the off ramp because it’s a sharp turn and the roads are full of snow so you just keep going until you hit Florida?
Day 3 in the desert: I have somehow gained the respect of some birds as they are circling above me in some sort of protective formation
There’s a Gulf between peoples’ appreciation of cartoons. Dubai doesn’t like the Flintstones, but Abu Dhabi do.
Haven’t seen Paranormal Activity 4 yet so PLEASE don’t tell me which lamp falls over.
My monster costume for Halloween’s just going to be whispering, “better hope it’s not the poisoned one,” to kids when I hand out candy.
I’m the sort of person you can bring home to meet your parents, if you’re looking to be written out of their will.
Turns out my get rich painfully slow scheme isn’t working out either.
Am I original?
-Yeaaah.
Am I the only one?
-Yeaaah.
Do you wanna build a snowman?
-Go away, Anna.
Ok byyyyye.
My husband sent me a text using just emojis and it’s weird, you would think he would know by now that I don’t even like eggplant.
YOU CAN’T KICK ME OUT OF THE INTERNATIONAL HOUSE OF PANCAKES LINDA I HAVE DIPLOMATIC IMMUNITY
SF is the wild wild west man
I am trying to learn more about coding and some other computery type things and I think it’s been pretty neat. I see things like ‘this is a nested element’ and it’s like, yea, I like that. That element sounds cozy. I want to join it. Sit with it, talk and have some coffee.
Interviewer: says here you have been roofing your entire life
Dog: that is correct
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
“Can I be honest with you?”
Me- no, thank you
Walking around Houston airport taking iPads from unattended kids. I have 4 so far.
How your email finds me
*thinks my friend Liz’s full first name is Lizard* Lizard. Listen to me. Why are you laughing. Lizard be serious. Lizard please
Table for one, please.
Ma’am, your family is right behind you.
Top 5 oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp
2. Civil war
3. Virtual reality
4. Great outdoors
5. Family vacation
Wanna feel old? This is Calvin and Hobbes now
when I was your age we had to wait 10 minutes to log into the internet
and we liked it
Remember: It’s not stalking if you don’t see me.