Van Gogh’s girlfriend: my dearest Vincent, lend me your ear
Him: cuts ear off
Her: I just wanted u to listen to me
Him: nah, I’m good
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Does the defense have any last words?
“Yes I do your honor…
THE FLOOR IS MADE OF LAVA”
[Judge & jury scramble to get on top of tables]
Three golf clubs walk into a bar.
The putter ordered a beer, the pitching wedge ordered a gin & tonic.The barman asked the third one if he wanted anything,
He replied “No thanks, I’m the driver”.
#Wednesdaymorning
If you want to receive a text message every 3 minutes for an hour, send your husband to the grocery store.
Policeman: Name please
Iggy Pop: Iggy Pop
Policeman: Your FULL name
Iggy Pop: (Quietly) Ignatius Poppadom
Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory is the most whimsical film about the systematic murder of children that I have ever seen.
Got McDonald’s today and when I was handed my soda the cup inexplicably cracked and spilled all over me so sometimes I really wonder if my ancestors offended a witch.
Rose: [in Titanic] I’ll never let go, Jack
Jack: 🥶
Elsa from Frozen: lol know what would be funny right now
Most girls: “I hangout with guys, there’s less drama.” Me: “I hangout by myself. There’s no drama & I don’t have to wear pants.”
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If you’re not supposed to abuse cough syrup then why does it come with a little plastic shot glass?
[tracker kneels and examines spoor]
– A herd of idiots has passed this way but an hour ago.
– How can you tell?
– Look. Fresh nincompoop.
ME: [throws bouquet]
FLORIST: i asked you not to do that
Flight Attendant: Is anyone here a doctor?!
Me: *shoving my way to the front* no
I lost my voice.
If whoever finds it could resume screaming at my ex-husband, that would be much appreciated.
Finishing a book is like saying goodbye to an old friend. Finishing a show you binge-watched is like staggering out of a motel where you’ve been holed up for 24 hours with someone you met while trying to score crack.
[at sheep farm]
Me: So how do you get steel wool?
Farmer: well, that we get from our metal sheep
Me: huh?
*sheep walks by with Slayer shirt
Youtube trainer: and we’re going to repeat this exercise for thirty seconds
me: *how* many seconds???
What do Norse mythology and chastity belts have in common?
Asgard.
date: i love mussels
me: i hate working out
date: i mean from the sea
me: i’m sorry i can’t be aquaman
KILLER: I’M GONNA CATCH YOU
ME: YOU’LL NEVER CA- [stops running to pet a dog]
Cows are just acoustic lawnmowers.
The Count of Monte Cristo remains popular because it speaks to that universal human desire to flex on everyone you went to school with
how tf does a online class run out of seats when the seats not real 🤦🏾♂️
Her: We need a three-way…
Me: How about Joanie?
Her: …bulb in the living room lamp.
Me:
Her:
Wife: Your resolution this year should be to listen to me better.
Me: Bacon would be great, thanks.
There you go again, overusing big words like some kind of tweeting sesquipedalian.
Idiot.
I’ve written a musical called Fish. It’s very similar to Cats, although Memory’s a lot shorter.
Shouldn’t women have a girlnecologist?
Not to brag, but I can cure a man of having a thing for me in five minutes flat.
People are like, “You’re not allowed to have a favorite child.” Blah, blah, blah.
And I’m like, “BUT YOU SHOULD SEE THIS KID SHOVEL SNOW!”