Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.
Let he who is without stone come down to Steve’s Stone Supply, Exit 13A off the NJ Turnpike.
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Paying the internet $4.99 to take an IQ test is you failing the test.
I don’t know who’s having a worse day, the bird that’s repeatedly flying into my dining room window or my dog.
I’d pay this overdue bill but I’m waiting to see what color invoice they will use next.
She loves me
[forgets to run the dishwasher]
She loves me not
Me: *travels back to 1980*
Me: *watches my parents bring me home after birth, tears up*
Me: *watches mom trip and drop me on my head*
Me: That actually explains a lot.
America’s national mascot should just be a drunk white girl typing on a shattered iPhone.
“Ok, what chemical symbol should we give this Gold?”
*thief runs by, steals gold*
“Hey! You!”
Au, got it. Next element.
ME: I need to return this blender
WALMART EMPLOYEE: Why?
ME:(thinking about how i broke it trying to blend rocks to make sand)
“Its haunted”
(first week into weight watchers)
You think I can get an advance on next week’s calories?
Lois: Why can’t I find a boyfriend like you?
Superman: What about that Clark fellow? He seems cool
Lois: Who? Speccy McSpecface?
Superman:
Lois: Are you crying?
I’m really bad at portioning uncooked pasta…so if you and 110 of your friends wanna come over, dinner is ready.
Me: oh the usual- just shedding some skin cells and still fascinated with champagne bubbles and tree bark.
Friend: why can’t you ever just say “fine thanks”?
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me *trying to suppress laugh as I put on my camo jacket* you can try
A typo so bad, they assume you speak German.
Why is it the only thing a woman wants out of a man these days is security?
Well it’s the first thing they say when I approach them.
[first date]
Her: I just love eating clean and staying healthy, you know?
Me:*flashback to the time I cry-ate two lasagnas* Totally
this is your fault for setting him up with Medusa
Parenting is having your kids reject everything you cook, and then watching the 2yo eat a dog treat and ask for another.
50-year-old drunk bully: “Your mouth is writing checks your body can’t cash.”
20-year-old: “What’s a check?”
Netflix: Should I play this movie?
Me: No no I’m just looking at it for a second
Netflix: I’ll put it on
Me: I’m just literally reading what it is
Netflix: It’s playing 🙂
“YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF!”
I scream at my bladder in the middle of the night
[horror movie in 2169]
The killer creeps up behind the college co-eds and JUST STARTS THROWING GLUTEN EVERYWHERE
[entire audience faints]
I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.
By allowing my children to play their music & video games loudly, I’m able to get candy out of its wrapper into my mouth unseen.
A werewolf is chasing you. Your life flashes before your eyes: crappy jobs, breakups, Ren fairs. The werewolf gets depressed and goes home.
Caught my kid forging my signature and I have to say, pretty good for a third grader
There’s no one lazier than the guy who named the orange.
I went downstairs to get my charger. I came back up with a bowl of ice cream and no charger. But, I’m okay. Thanks.
I wanted to lose 10 pounds this year. Only 13 to go.
me [an australian]: man i could kill for a caramello koala right now
american friend: that’s not a real candy
me: or some yowie bungas
american: what
me: dropbear gobstoppers
american: no
me: cassowary chewies
american: please stop
me: sugar-coated funnel web spiders