Just ruined my dad’s night by texting pics of a bird he can’t positively ID
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Relationship stress can make you very confused!
Could you believe me , I entered a taxi today and forgot to sit down ?
When I call out the wrong name during sex, I just segue into singing Mambo No. 5.
Fool me once, I buy a gun. Fool me twice, I pull the trigger.
Undercover cop at a beauty salon: I’ve been made, over
I’m as nervous as a United Airlines standby passenger.
I accidentally dropped a Tide stick on my Spotify app and now it’s just ify
me: hi sharks, I built an app that calls the elevator when you’re 30 seconds away, so it’s waiting when you get there
Mark Cuban: I’m offering $5M for a 1%–
me: huh? I’m not seeking investment, I’m just here to brag that I’m gonna be rich
Understand men, or die trying.
Or try dying.
Or quit trying.
Or lie crying.
Or cry tweeting.Or tweet trying, to understand men.
how do they grow the peanuts inside M&Ms
Free will was a mistake.
I should have charged for it.
Kids, eat your vegetables.
*reluctantly, they eat*
[2 hrs later]
*I eavesdrop on their convo*
Daughter: Unionizing will help us bargain.
She loves me
[forgets to run the dishwasher]
She loves me not
my ex boyfriend’s cousin’s girlfriend just followed me from her alt Instagram account . I’ve still got the juice 😎
In the near future, little old ladies won’t know how to sew, knit, or quilt, but they’ll take awesome self-pics in bathroom mirrors.
We’re about two years from funerals starting and ending with, “don’t forget to like, share and subscribe.”
[Patient room]
ME: …so that’s why I need to drain the abscess on your leg
PATIENT: What’ll it feel like?
ME: Honestly, it feels amazing & truly gratifying knowing that I’ve been able to help someone in a dark time
PATIENT: No, I meant for me
ME: Oh. It’s gonna hurt like hell
Zordon: go find me some high schoolers
Assistant: but wouldn’t the Power Rangers be more powerful if they were adults?
Zordon: NO! *breathing heavily* and make them wear spandex
Only 10 more days til Halloween!
Hotline for families: 407-246-4357 #Orlando
Men are really out here thinking that a hike is a good first date. Sir that’s a last date. That’s how people get murdered.
Rather than vote, let’s all fill out the 29 dimensions of what we want in a president and let eHarmony decide.
it’s not about the cards you’re dealt, but how you play the hand you’ve got hidden up your sleeve
My girlfriend has 206 bones in her body. Now 207.
Now 206. Now 207. Now 206. Now 207….
Yes liquor store clerk, I do need help. But I decided to come here instead.
A new hipster coffee shop in my hood doesn’t have wifi b/c it wants to encourage talking…presumably about the failure of this coffee shop.
#RubbishJokes
My girlfriend told my that she wanted peace and quiet whilst cooking.So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.
Me: sorry I can’t go to the farmer’s market with you. Allergies.
Friend: pollen?
Me: hipsters.
JUDGE: i sentence you to life in prison
MY LAWYER WHO IS A HOUSE FLY: nice that’s only like 11 days
[Bumps into old school friend]
Him: Haven’t seen you for years!
Me: I know!
Him: Good to see you man
Me: You too!
Him: We should meet up
Me: Definitely
Him: We won’t though
Me: No way
Him: I’ll never see you again
Me: I wanna run away
Him: See you around
Me: Bye forever!
*Inspirational Tweets*