No, Clickbait writer, here are 20 household items YOU’VE been using wrong
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If I had a time machine, I’d go back & mess with myself.
I’d delete and retweet frog my tweets monkey with random words giraffe inserted.
Waiter, Waiter, I don’t eat meat, fish, eggs, gluten or dairy. What do you recommend?
A taxi.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
me: can I buy you a drink
girl (who is a teacher): I don’t know, can you?
me (also a teacher): no
Trees to oxygen:
“Pfft. Waste product.”
*Shakes wife awake
“Honey. I’ve done it. I’ve invented a time machine!”
Wife:Omg kill Hitler!
“What? It’s a time machine: it tells time.”
I think I overdosed on comfort food last night….
That makes 7,427 days in a row.
My 6 year old has already asked me 4,327 questions this morning. I’m seriously considering getting another Vasectomy just to be safe.
Friend: “Hey, want me to get out my didgeridoo so I can play for you?”
I’d rather you didgerididn’t.
I’m not laughing AT you, I’m laughing WITH other people at you.
moving out: guess I’ll get rid of that exercise bike
moving in: you know what this place could use…
*getting kicked out of bookclub*
me: please, all i need to know is how little the women are
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
Are people who write “prolly” rather than “probably” just lazy, completely illiterate, or do they actually think that’s a word?
If a demon ever tried to possess me my first thought would be: enjoy that debilitating anxiety my dude.
Why tf bills never go on sale ? Can i get a buy one get one month free or something? Damn
if you can’t judge a book by its cover then graphic design is a big fat lie
Keeping a blood capsule in my mouth for the next guy who tells me to smile.
“Eat cheese and sin.”
This is… the best street art sticker I’ve ever seen?!
When Billy Ocean takes a vacation, he becomes Billie Holiday.
[zombies eating me]
Zombie 1: does he taste funny to you?
Zombie 2: no, he tastes like he’s trying too hard
In my spare time I enjoy going to the theatre, listening to music, and cooking Indian food, although everyone watching the play never seems very impressed.
[finishing last sip of wine]
waiter: would you like another glass?
me: no just refill this one
MOM: Your father was abducted by aliens last night.
ME: [about to adjust thermostat] Oh no.
[meanwhile in ufo]
ALIEN: What do you mean we have to turn around?
DAD: Somethings wrong I can’t explain it.
Brushing my daughter’s hair
Me: Why is your hair SO tangled?
5: I don’t know. Glue maybe?
Me: Did you put glue in your hair?
5: Yes.
it’s so important we compare women to other women because in the end, as we all know, there can only be one woman
I’d say a good part of my day is spent trying to convince my dog that we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, or the ice dispenser
Oh, you don’t have sex on the first date? How about on the last date?
Cops call their dogs K-9 because if they call K-10,
then it’s a cat.
I’m in awe of people who can pronounce camaraderie correctly the first, second or tenth time.