me, to my kid: you have a job- you eat breakfast, you get dressed, brush your hair and teeth and put on shoes
my kid: I hate my job. I wanna quit.
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who else gets a little disappointed when the emergency broadcast test isn’t an actual emergency? it’s like, hurry up already aliens
Pride of lions? Murder of crows? They got nothin’ on a craze of kids.
“For a really awkward time, call me.”
-me, leaving my number on bathroom stalls.
I keep a baseball bat under my bed in case someone tries to break in and pitch a no hitter
If I lived in England I would approach my boss on payday and say “pound me.”
People in 2050 be like “your boyfriend broke up with you? Don’t worry, there is plenty of plastic in the sea.”
everyone make a new friend so you don’t get assigned to David
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
[a 2nd grade classroom 5 yrs from now]
TEACHER: Khaleesi M, please leave Khaleesi S alone. Khaleesi T, I still need your permission slip
[cooking class]
chef: now you just introduce them to the pan
me: ok … um, this is john scallop
“Can you tell me what the second to last letter in the alphabet is?”
“Y”
“So I can make a stupid joke”
god: rabbits
angel: cute. wait, wh-what are they doing
god: ya they do that
angel: they’re multiplying
god: they’ll slow down
angel: they aren’t slowing down
god: holy shit
angel: they won’t stOP FU
[ next day ]
god: porcupines
Boss:my office, now!
Me:*to myself* dont be about Twitter dont be about Twitter
B:we’ve had a sexual harassment complaint
M:Oh thank God!
Take me down to the paradise city where the salmon are jumping and the tubes are fishy
I bet that cop who went down the slide real fast has some relatives who have been waiting MONTHS to get to roast him to his face today.
[Restaurant]
Me: I know in your profile it said you were small but I didn[my date falls into her soup]
If you have to choose between being cool or a cucumber…
Pick cool pickle.
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend.
Darkness: New phone, who dis?
I’ve been collecting toe nails in a mason jar for over 12 years. Better to have ’em and not need ’em.
Me: I’m totally getting used to this
Husband: getting used to what?
Me: you know not doing my hair, and stuff
Husband: again getting used to what?
[Silence]
Me: I hate you
If you don’t like giving advice just look sage & say one completely unrelated thing you know to be true & let the other person assume it’s a metaphor.
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
1yo: *walking*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
6yo: *riding two-wheeler*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
16yo: *pouring milk into cereal without spilling*
[blind date]
HER: i love classic rock
ME: (trying to impress) i’ve been to Stonehenge
no mom you don’t get it I used “you’re” instead of “your” as a joke to be ironic on the internet. yes I realize it makes me look silly. no mom colleges don’t care about that. they aren’t gonna look at my twitter. ok. ok yes I understand. im sorry I’ll delete it. I love you too
Never ever make an arm wrestle bet with a man who has been single for a long time….
accurate
emcee: welcome, contestants, to the world bodybuilding championships!
victor frankenstein: *looking around* i think i’ve made a horrible mistake.
If I ever win the lottery & someone asks me for money I’m going to give them a dollar & say “Here. Go play the Lottery. That’s what I did.”
Objection your honor! He’s badgering the witness lmao
*Courtroom erupts in laughter*
Badger: Ok seriously I’m a lawyer and deserve respect