* gets mugged *
“Add a tip? | 15% | 20% | 30% |”
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me: that girl and i used to have a little fling.
friend: what happened?
me: it got stuck in a tree.
My boss has stopped letting me leave early for my son’s Little League games ever since he learned he’s in his second year of college.
Evelyn says Betty’s Daughter is a lesbian but I’ve never noticed an accent.
5: wow, you look so pretty
Me: thank yo—
5: with your sunglasses on
Me: am I pretty without them?
*UNCOMFORTABLY LONG PAUSE*
5: sure
Wine improves with age, I improve with wine.
[babysitting]
*calls Mom of kid* How long does your baby stay in the rain before it’s clean?
sorry I didn’t answer when you called, I had 6 Peeps in my mouth
If I were 30 years younger, I’d remember where I was going with this tweet.
When your house haunted but you got nowhere else to go
I could never kill someone…
Not one of my knives cuts properly. Not even to cut an onion.
therapist: Any traumatic events from your past?
me: *deep breath*
therapist: besides the first ten minutes of Up
me: *slow exhale*
My daughter, filling out a college app, called me at home to get my home number. Big shout out to the ex-wife for pissing in my gene pool.
I was irrationally angry when I realized there were no actual raccoons in Resident Evil
the correct way to spell “hats” is HATS because it’s all caps
Just want to point out the NRA’s plan to stop school shootings is literally the plot of Kindergarten Cop.
We had 3 kids, I don’t remember their names and they somehow find us even after we move
lawyer talking under his breath: “guiltypeoplesaywhat?”
suspect: what?
lawyer: no further questions your honor
My neighbor hates it when I figure out his wifi password but it’s his fault for writing it down and putting it on his fridge.
things are bad enough, today i’m playing goodminton
Welcome to passive aggressive club.
We’re so happy you came twenty minutes late. Sure, get a cup of coffee, we’ll wait.
“how’d your football team football today?”
those footballers footballed quite well…really good footballin’
[nervously speeding up as I drive my date past a Taco Bell]
SIRI: At frequent destination. Set this address as ‘Home’ address?
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a hairless cat.
“Mom, the kid in the other car is making faces at me.”
“Just ignore him, sweetie.”
*rap battles you for the last chicken nugget*
TEACHER: You just answered B to every test question
ME: I figured I’d get a few right
TEACHER: It wasn’t multiple choice
On your first day in prison, walk right up to the nicest guy in there and break his heart.
Wife: I told you to dress our daughter in her purple shirt.
Me: I did.
Wife: That’s mauve.
I hate it when she makes up words.
2:10 – perfect popcorn
2:13 – firefighters on scene
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Hearing now that the government closed the Grand Canyon. Not sure if they roll a tarp over it or how that works.