Microdosing being a pigeon by delivering a letter.
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Me: I’m sorry; I don’t remember your name. I know it starts with an S though…. Sledgehammer, Salamander, Slappy…
Him: Steve…my name is Steve.
Me: Yeah, no, I would’ve never gotten that.
Henry VIII would be glad to know that in a post-Game Of Thrones world he actually seems pretty chill
guy finding a big puddle of blood in a horror movie: (touches it and looks at his fingers) it’s blood
A haunted house but for awkward interactions. Someone pops out at you and you’re like “nice to meet you” and they’re like “haha actually we’ve already met”
me: can you tell me what’s wrong with my car?
techician: sure..I’ll take a look
[later, ]
technician: it’s not too bad..
me: thank god..what is it?
technician: eh..just shit in the cylinders
me, completely clueless about cars: wow…how frequently should I do that?
Just reported my neighbors to Belgian authorities because they have a dog named Waffle.
Fear and ignorance would gay-marry each other if they weren’t both opposed to it.
My coworker carries around a rosary in his hand so that if he gets caught sleeping he can say he was praying
me refusing to leave twitter
My favorite outdoor activity is looking for shade.
The only time that I get sucked in bed is when there’s a mosquito in the room.
[hospital]
DOCTOR: Your wife signed a DNR
ME: I’m here for a sprained ankle
DOCTOR: She insisted
[First Date]
Paige Turner: I’ve been unlucky in love. I feel like people expect me to be more exciting
Cliff Hanger: Weird. I get that too
Me: I made a perfect napping spot just for you
My cat: no thank you, I would rather be uncomfortable than do anything you suggest
[bleeding out]
ER Doctor: do you know your blood type?
ME: I’ve never really thought about it TBH. As long as it has a good personality
doctor: i’m sorry but you only have a few more years left to live
me: oh my god. you’re lying
doctor *shows me a chart of global warming* i am not
why isn’t thunder called soundning
All great Italian chefs smoke. That’s how they time their cooking. For example, spaghetti boils for 1 cigarette.
Did I remember to take Ambien? I’ll ask my lamp. He’s speaking German but maybe I’ll get the gist.
My children wanted to play restaurant and are very upset because I told them my place does not allow kids
Who the hell buys furniture online? Why would you buy a chair or couch you can’t even sit in? What if it has burlap cushions stuffed w/hay?
Hey man, best wishes. And I’m not just saying that because I’d be the number one suspect if something happened to you.
[Applebee’s Manager Application]
1. Are you a good people leader
2. Can you manage a P&L
3. Are you willing to fistfight the Chili’s Manager
My favourite part of today was when my kids hugged it out and then checked their backs for kick me signs.
Lovingly painting a Hitler moustache on my mother with a Sharpie so she’ll only go out if it’s absolutely necessary.
Just moisturized my hands and now I can’t get out of the bathroom. Send help.
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
Was at the park with the baby, and another parent pointed to a kid doing cartwheels and said, “Remember when we could do that at that age?”
Lady, I was icing my knees after recess when I was 7.
Our son attempted to explain to his little sister why his mom and I are married, so he told her, “Daddy was the only boy who liked mommy!”
I feel like calling it a “nervous system” was just setting me up for failure.