Teacher: You’re a grown adult, why can’t you help your child with their math homework?!
Me: Sorry, I’ll try 105% harder
Teacher: You know what, please don’t!
You Might Also Like
Liverpool sounds like the most disgusting place in the world to hold a swim meet.
Idea: a neck tattoo that depicts a man having an unsuccessful job interview because of his neck tattoo
I was called a village idiot today which really upset me. I live in a city.
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
M: We’re out of bananas
W: The good news?
M: *points to monkey in the kitchen*
Asking a woman to choose her favourite Disney movie is like asking her to choose her favourite child. My mum always choose Aristocats and my middle sister.
my old drug dealer from college texted me today asking if i wanted to buy. i’m sorry, sir, i do adult drugs now not college drugs.
[inventing the parrot]
HOW ABOUT LIKE A TYE DYE CHICKEN WHO SCREAMS ACTUAL WORDS AT YOU
LITTLE BO PEEP: I’ve lost my sheep! I can’t remember where to find them!
DOCTOR: Sounds like Lambnesia
The first rule of hydration club is where is your restroom?
store clerk: can I help you find anything
me: yes *hands over where’s waldo book*
This transition of power reminds me of when my grandma turned over Thanksgiving duties to my mom and the night ended with police showing up.
me: congrats on running that marathon.
her: thanks. I’m still sore.
me: because you didn’t win?
her:
Me: Say that word I like
Him: Pajamas?
Date: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a script editor.
Me: Are you any good?
Me: No.
Aquarius: This week you’re feeling crafty. How many household items can you turn into a shank?
I forgot the term “kidney stones” so I called them pee pebbles.
How dare you let common sense get in the way of my dreams. If I want to be a kangaroo astronaut who day drinks just let me be.
me teaching american history: so the president’s job is he guards the declaration of independence from nicolas cage.
*blows bubbles in your face to distract you as I take all of your tater tots*
*waving arms wildly* holy shit whose arms are these?!
This invitation says, “Regrets only,” so I’m sending them a note that says, “My hair throughout most of the ‘90s.”
Jesus: this is my body *breaks bread*
Jesus: this is my blood *pours wine*
Jesus: this your brain on drugs *throws a rabid weasel into the crowd*
For the last time, asking me if I want cheese is insulting. You could have said instead, much more meaningful things like ”Here. Cheese”
I don’t remember your name, chick I worked with one time, but I will never stop telling people about how you asked me:
What even are olives, like a fish or something?
Sorry the tattoo artist missed your eye and put that teardrop under your nostril.
Doctor: “I’m sorry, sir, but you have an STD. I suggest you make a list of all your partners–”
Lou Bega: “Way ahead of you.”
[coworker starts talking to me at my cubicle]
Welp, nice chatting. This is my stop.
[puts in earbuds]
Offered the kids $5 to clean so they could learn about money and then didn’t pay them so they could learn about randomly trusting people.
Texting wasn’t always easy. In my day, you had to work for it. You had to want it. You need an S? You better click that 7 button FOUR TIMES.