[party]
me: ugh who invited that guy, he’s so childishher: he’s 7 and it’s his birthday
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I once snuck my cat into a grocery store just to show him what a lazy hunter I am.
If I had a hill house I would simply not allow it to be haunted
ur macbook about to start asking if you want update now, tonight or when the 2nd wave hits
Stop saying ‘happy anniversary to my partner in crime.’
You do not commit crimes. You shop at Costco
I promised my kids a genuine New Year’s party: I’ll be putting on my biggest earrings and nicest sweat pants standing on a chair in the kitchen and dropping a ball on their heads
Him: Flash me a smile. You’re prettier when you smile.
I seductively part my lips to reveal one perfect orange slice.
Headed to police station to go through mugshots for a date tonight. I don’t trust ChristianMingle.
14: Want to see what I drew today in Spanish?
Me: Why were you drawing in Spanish?
14:
Me:
14: …because I have no idea what my teacher is saying.
I need a treadmill with a reward system.
Run 10k, here’s a pizza.
*shows buyers around my home*
This is where I do all my crying but you can cry anywhere really
ah, mercury’s going retrograde, that explains why i accidentally squandered my entire youth
I went fishing today/ am having chicken for dinner tonight
My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.
Santa: *deep sigh*
Mrs Klaus: Naughty list?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Covid?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Another year of “Ho” jokes?
S: *nods vigorously*
Edward Scissorhands: You told me to put my hands up
Me: I said I was sorry
Other rollercoaster riders: *covered in chunks of duck*
the passive aggression of Snapchat asking “do you want to abandon your snapsterpiece?” and forcing you to click “abandon” like sorry I’m not carrying this picture of my bagel to term, I had a moment of clarity and remembered literally no one needs to see this
My 9yo just made a poster for his new math tutoring service, which he claims is “free,” “easy,” and “not under investigation by the state.”
I put on my husband’s deodorant and now I’m angry at the way I load the dishwasher.
[jumps in getaway car after bank robbery]
“They said no I couldn’t have any money”
Damn it, they make it look so easy in the movies
Don’t mess with grandma when her bodyguard is near.
Fact: If you blast hiphop at a shallot, it becomes a rapscallion.
me (stepping out of time machine): I come from the future!
soldier: oh, great! we could use your help. thousands of us have died in this war for a treasure called “salt”
me: what, like table salt?
soldier: ? why do you call it that
me:
soldier: Why do you call it that.
*signs your yearbook “best friends for life”
*never speaks to you again *
NASA: *clicks talk button* You folks are probably gonna wanna stay up there for a while
interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”
me:
interviewer:
me: you don’t remember me do you?
What, this is my emotional support rabid wolf
This donut scented car air freshener is going to pay for itself next time I get pulled over.
Freaking out people walking round the cemetery dressed as a Ghostbuster.
JOB INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: yes its 7pts tall, separates two sections in a visually pleasing way, and aligns to a carefully proportioned grid
INTERVIEWER: no, i mean here where it says you didn’t work for two years
ME: i.. was designing my resume
Name’s Bond. James Bond. *Drinks martini* Jame’s Bond. Names Bond. *drinks another martini* Bame’s Jond. *Drinks 1 more* THIS IS MY SONG WOO