My former co-worker’s neighbor’s cousin
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i know what will make the other reindeer like rudolph more – a surprise promotion from the boss on the biggest night of the year
at the salon thinking of going darker for winter
maybe i’ll kill the shampoo girl
Schrödinger: Happy anniversary!
Schrödinger’s wife: Thank you! I wonder what’s in the box!
Schrödinger: [Realizes he grabbed the wrong box and starts sweating]
If I was invited to a gender reveal party I’d bring deviled eggs and sammiches for the fire fighters.
The moderator on this ‘brainstorming’ conference call emphasized that there were “no dumb ideas,” a claim soundly disproven within the first few minutes of the discussion.
*FINALLY gets truck washed*
*immediately judges people’s dirty vehicles*
SICK’EM SPIKE!!!
[the burglar and I stare as my pet turtle walks very slowly across the room]
[placing hand on my boss’s casket] who can’t think outside the box now
I’m thinking about getting an arm tattooed on my snake.
First man discovered fire. Then he invented the wheel. Then there was, like, 500 years where he just kept setting the wheel on fire.
I wear flip-flops because I hate sneaking up on people.
ME: did it hurt
GIRL AT BAR: did wat hurt
ME: when ur hopes of having a nice uninterupted night out got crushed bc i started talking to u
I dropped a piece of cheese on the airplane and i know it rolled forward and some piece of shit in first class is enjoying it now
I think having a highway to Hell and only a stairway to Heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.
I wish there were musical cues in real life like there are in the movies so I’d know when I’m about to do something stupid.
Yeah, conservatives. I will marry a dog. I’ll marry 12 dogs. I’m a dog mormon now.
ME: Is this Babies R Us
CASHIER: Yes
ME: No babies work here
C: I know
ME: It should be called Babies Were US
C: …
ME: Get me your manager
I inform my 4 year old that she’s going to a friend’s house 5 minutes before we leave so she only asks me when we’re going 6000 times.
It’s only a restroom if you fall asleep in the stall.
My girlfriend’s just had a go at me for not glistening, whatever that is
I don’t listen to my voicemails because it’s none of my business what people say to when I’m not there.
Got my first dose of the vaccine and, so far, the only side affect I’ve noticed is something I haven’t seen reported (and it may just be my imagination), but I think the vaccine has made me better-looking.
It’s adorable when I bring workout clothes on a trip to Miami like I’m not just going to eat, drink, and sleep.
JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA NOOOOOOOOO JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJJAJAJ AIREEEEEE JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA
I’ve been doing comedy for 12 years and I gotta say to this day the hardest I’ve ever been roasted is when a 12 year old on NBA2K said “yo, where’d you get your mic, Radio Shack?”
Do people with insomnia know about Coldplay?
cellmate: how did you get here
me: i took the train
cellmate: no i mean what did you do
me: i just told you
My daughter has an ice skating date with her boyfriend tonight. So I’ll be the guy skating behind two 12 year olds carrying a shotgun.
How am I today? Well it’s officially day four of me arguing in my mind with a person who took my spot in line for party balloons
People with grown children keep telling me that I’ll miss these days, but I promise you that I will never look back with longing on the time I accidentally woke my toddler up at 2am