Ghosts wear sheets because nobody’s scared of sleeping bags.
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Me: I’m not wearing a mask. It’s ineffective and it’s just a way for the government to silence me
Scuba diving instructor: fine
Terminator: “Come with me if you want to live.”
Me: “Oh, no thank you.”
I really want another child, but the idea of starting over with another pregnancy/infant feels like Katniss heading back into the arena.
Batman’s Bat Signal was really banking on the fact that crimes only happened at night.
Suck it losers, I just bought an autographed picture of Jesus for two grand.
Area 51? I thought we were all gonna storm Forever 21.
Family: So how did you two meet?
Me: Tinder.
Family: What’s Tinder?
Me: It’s a game site.
Rasputin never died that day, as an immortal being. He hid for decades, before dropping the “Ras” and slipping back into Russian politics.
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: 24 glasses of milk
Cop: Milk? Why were you driving so erratically?
Me: I was hoping I’d get pulled over so I could brag
apparently this year was written by stephen king
Find someone who cares about you as much as gmail cares about new devices signing into your account
Uh oh I planned two dates today thinking one of them would cancel and now I have to come up with a lie and quick
BREAKING: First satellite photo of the “ultra-cool dwarf star”
Great way to make friends is to pee in the same urinal someone else is already using.
doctor it hurts when i do this *checks bank account*
Maybe sunscreen is like ketchup to sharks
Oh to be a 1998 baby
✔️ first memory is 9/11
✔️ watches parents lose their jobs in 2008
✔️ graduates into global pandemic and looming recession
If you call me hysterical, you better mean funny cuz I keep my knives sharp.
Interviewer: It says here you’re interested in waterfowl genealogy.
Me: I became fascinated with the subject when I noticed that both Daffy Duck and Donald Duck share the same family name and both their names begin with D.
Interviewer:
Me: And neither wears pants
Him: “I feel-”
Me: “I FEEL IT TOO. IT’S JUST LIKE PHOEBE SAID. YOU’RE MY LOBSTER.”
Him: “-gassy.”
A parakeet that won’t shut up equals dinner for fluffy tonight.
What’s the difference between a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos, and a sock takes five toes
She’s a 10, but you can’t date numerical values and anthropomorphising digits doesn’t lead to a stable relationship.
employer: what skills do you possess that would make you suitible for this position?
me: I possess the skill that will make all your other employees look perfect by comparison
me: time to hit the hay
wife: you’re going to bed?
me: no i just really *clenches fists* hate hay
*cleans house while wife’s out*
W: *walks in* wow babe, thanks so-
M: APRIL FOOL’S *runs around making huge mess til it’s worse than before*
– Boss, we’re out of hands. Should we give the penguins wings?
– We’re short on wings too. Give them this.
– But that’s neither wings nor hands.
– Not our problem.
My youngest child is choosing to drop out of homeschool and instead pursue her B.E.D.
ME: i’ve never been to europe
SOMEONE WHO’S BEEN TO EUROPE: you should totally go
ME: now that i think of it, it’s only been my lack of desire, alone, that has ever inhibited me to go so ok why not
When Americans say Math instead of Maths I find it so damn exy