Lesser known historical fact: Abraham Lincoln’s hat was so tall because he kept an upright Chipotle burrito in there
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Think you know guilt?
*takes long drag on cigarette*
I’m the wildebeest who killed Mufasa.
*exhales*
I hear Simba’s screams every night.
me at 14: can’t wait to travel the whole world once i’m earning my own money
me now: mustn’t forget that tupperware at work, it’s my only one
I wore a leather jacket into a vegan restaurant and now I’m hiding in the bathroom.
My dad is in Hawaii for travel…
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
Autocorrect changed Italian to Taliban, so now I’m sure the NSA is super interested in my ricotta cheese.
Me:*on phone* OMG thats hilarious! OK I gotta go, everyones staring. K bye. *hangs up* Im ready.
Priest: And do you take this man, in holy
ah, yes. the elusive llamarshmallow.
How’d you get those bruises?
*remembers tripping over a stuffed animal and destroying my blanket fort*
Karate.
She has a weimerhi…wimerrihym….wimmerhie…
She has a big gray dog.
Me: Night love.
11: Did you know the snow in the Wizard of Oz was made of pure asbestos?
I like to have gps trackers on my kids just to make sure they’re not home.
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.
[Home after awful day at work, my dog greets me]
Me: At least somebody’s happy to see me!
Dog: *shakes head, pulls banana from pocket*
‘I’m so single that if I win a trip for two, I’m goin twice’
If you love someone, let them go. If they don’t come back, detonate the explosive collar.
My Plans 2020
The nine most terrifying words in the English language are: I’m from the government and my name is Dracula
Hi everyone, welcome to Motorboat Club. Let’s get started on some sailing basics.
*Man in back row throws brochure on ground and storms out*
Is it better to beat someone to the punch or punch someone to the beat?
If watching 80’s music videos has taught me anything, it’s that you don’t need talent if you have a fog machine.
Trainer: WHAT DO YOU WANT?
Me: A BIKINI BODY
T: WHEN DO YOU WANT IT?
Just after I finish this beer.
So we agree when the zombies come we feed em the teenagers first, right?
Funny how the British conquered so much land looking for spices.
But then refused to use them.
I googled my symptoms and it turns out that half of y’all are stupid 🤕
Ok… so wireless bra’s don’t have any internet connectivity, we all make mistakes, can we just move on now.
Me: Ohhh, MARITAL arts workshop…now I really feel stupid in this karate outfit.
Wife to therapist: Do you see what I’m dealing with here?
*brings a rubber band to a lobster fight*
Below Deck sounds like a way of discreetly describing a condition to my doc