Technically it was only Jesus’s last supper.
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Marital Status: My husband is mad at me because I cheered for the wrong college football team.
An old lady on the bus just tried to set me up with her daughter. Here’s everything she knows about me:
1) I don’t have a car
YOU CAN ORDER AN AIR HORN ON AMAZON AND BRING THE FIGHT DIRECTLY TO THE GEESE.
She said she wanted to bump uglies. So, naturally, I got all showered & freshened up and then I rammed my Ford Pinto into her Honda Element.
got banned from the sauna at my gym for saying “steam me up, scotty” a few too many times
*too embarrassed to buy condoms**buys 3D printer**makes gun**robs condom factory*
ME: honey, just tap me on the arm tonight if you think I’ve gotten too drunk
WIFE: I’ve been tapping your arm for the last 2 hours
Girl, are you a conspiracy theory?
Because I want to listen to you all day long even though I find it hard to believe a word you say.
My cat: *jumps up onto my lap, leans into me, purrs*
Me: *smiling at him* Aww! You’re adorable! So sweet!
My cat: *slaps phone out of my hand*
People: “I want 2020 to be like the roarin’ twenties!”
Earth: “Alright, infectious disease is spreading.”
People: “No, not like that.”
Earth: “The US stock market is tanking.”
People: “Wait…”
Earth: “LMAO Bars can’t be open anymore.”
In Hell, you enter email addresses & passwords using video game controllers for ever.
Why is my body letting me get a cold?
I gave it an orange only last week….
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
Breaking news:
What’s the new etiquette rule: am I supposed to wait until everyone is done photographing their meals before I start eating mine?
Ok, don’t let them know you’re a puma
Interviewer: We’re very impressed! You’ve got the job!
“REALLY!?! I’M SO HAPPY I JUST PUMA PANTS”
My 4yo’s favorite library book right now is a collection of articles from the ’90s about keeping iguanas as pets.
We do not have an iguana.
Yes. You rt’d me 14 times in a row. Thanks.
You are first in line for my liver when the time comes.
When your realtor finds a quaint Tudor in your price range.
How to play chess:
– Look like you’re thinking for a really long time.
– Move one piece.
– Realize it was a bad choice.
– Flip over the table.
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
god bless the 1st weatherman to dress as danny zuko & plead with sandy
Follow your dreams. Stalk them relentlessly. Hide behind plants & cars. Don’t let them see you coming. When they least expect it, attack.
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
If you watch The Wizard Of Oz backwards it’s about a girl who escapes a lying oppressor and her subsequent journey to colour blindness.
Imagine falling in love with someone and then they make a chicken pot pie without a bottom crust.
“Please, take me out to dinner!”
“I don’t date married women, sorry.”
“I’m your wife!”
“No exceptions!”
dad: where do you think you’re going
me: *caught applying for an art history degree* uh nowhere?
My seven year old just said, “I kinda want to experience being a dad but I kinda don’t want to get married” Should I ask him more questions.
23: Thanks Mom. If that’s even your real name.