On the 5th day, god was hungover & didn’t feel up to much so he created worms, shoelaces & spaghetti, then punched out just after 1pm.
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5: why don’t we have an elf-on-the-shelf?
me: oh honey, it’s not that we don’t love you, it’s just that we don’t hate ourselves
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
Cashier: Did you find everything?
Me: Did you hide something?
I’d like to assure my concerned neighbors that although I have slowly driven by your house 97 times in the last 20 mins, I am not, in fact, a predator or a stalker. I am waiting for my insomniac toddler to fall asleep.
I will never feel sorry for people who complain about getting screwed in their divorce.
Hell, I can’t even get screwed in my marriage.
English husband: How’s it going in America
Me: People are shooting at the weather
OUR KID WAS SOAKING WET WHEN YOU BROUGHT HIM HOME FROM SCHOOL!
Me: [water pouring from backseat] Listen, this car pool thing was your idea
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’ve got a license
Took the kids to the beach and I now I need to know if I drive the sand back myself or if someone will come pick it up from me
Me: I will not be tricked into buying stuff I don’t need.
Ad: Buy 4, get one free.
Me: I’ll take 10 then.
Things that are loud:
Jet engines
Dynamite
Opening a bag of Sun Chips at a funeral
Rock concerts
I am just a boy, standing in front of a milkshake, wondering by what sorcery it beckoned me to this yard
APPLE GENIUS: [looks around nervously] if I had a criticism of this phone it would be that-
{trapdoor}
NEW APPLE GENIUS: that it’s perfect.
Sure I’ll join your Cause on Facebook…Right after I jump out of an airplane without a parachute…
Bon Jovi is French for Good Jovi.
When you unfollow someone it should pop up with a list of other idiots to unfollow
The Purge: Valentine’s Day
me: if only i could sleep AND get motion sickness
waterbed salesman: you’re not gonna believe this
The most inquisitive of all the dinosaurs was the philosoraptor.
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
FUN FACT: Canada was once called Moosebekistan. You don’t know. Prove me wrong.
Offered my barber $50 for the cape thingy he puts over me. I’ll never eat an office hotdog loaded with mustard in fear again.
“Get over yourself.”
*Me teaching clones how to play leapfrog
Anne Has A Problem
Anne Has A Solution
Anne Has A Will
Anne Hathaway
All I need to do is tell my husband I found a recipe on Tik Tok and he will definitely make dinner
Why doesn’t The Rock just tell us what he’s cooking? I can’t pair wines like this.
What kind of doctor are you?
-Apathologist
A… pathologist?
-No, apathologist. People come to me when they need medical don’t care.
My pet name for my manhood, for obvious reasons, is Whitesnake…You know, cuz… “Here I go again on my own”.
Why do they have the Met gala on a monday? the celebs probably have to come straight from from work
What about “BusinessMyspace”? Nah, it’s taken. Okay, what about “LinkedIn”?