The marriage rate has been trending downward. Choreographed wedding dances may be the reason.
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becoming a doctor so i can hit my enemies with a little hammer
I was going to watch the news this morning but I decided I wanted to have a good day.
please dont announce your new job. im on twitter trying to have a good time and to spread misinformation
she’s all “don’t sleep in the nude- what if there’s a fire and the fire men come and see you naked”
uh you pretty much described my fantasy
WIFE: (watching news) Someone broke into the Smithsonian Museum last night.
ME: (wearing an original pair of ruby slippers) That’s weird.
[band practice]
ME: I want a solo
GUITARIST: you play the tambourine
ME: yeah but *shaking tambourine really fast* check this shit out
me: my christmas gift to you, dear children, is teaching you the magic of giving
my kids: are ALL the presents for you
me: yes, but they’re FROM you and I LOVE them
When I hear someone say, “chicken pot pie,” I get excited three times.
Me: Omg it’s soooo hot!
Dog: You want me to sit on you?
Them: your dog is so cute, does she shed?
Me: only twice a year
Them: and how long does it last?
Me: 6 months
When you’re born, they don’t tell you about challenges you’ll face or friends you’ll make. You’re a baby for chrissakes; it’d be stupid.
This guy I was talking to asked if he had to worry about a boyfriend or husband that would get mad at him for dating me, so I asked him, “why, you can’t fight?”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked
wife: you forgot to take the garbage out
me: sorry. I’ll take 2 garbages out tonight
*at the movie theater* umm ok the hackers also said theyd do a terror unless u giv me unlimited free popcorn and uh.. also that guys popcorn
Tomb = Toom
Womb = Woom
Bomb = Boom
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
Got kicked out of the bank for taking too many lollipops.
I’m so glad the “you break it, you buy it” policy doesn’t apply to hymens.
You don’t scare me. You’re not an omelette I’m about to flip.
My favorite thing about Twitter is that you can broadcast your opinion about anything, defend your opinion in an argument, and always run the risk of the person arguing with you being the one who literally created the thing you’re arguing about.
Me: Read this tweet.
Wife: Sure.
Me: Is it racist?
Wife: No.
Me: Sexist?
Wife: No.
Me: Is it offensive at all?
Wife: No.
Me: *deletes tweet*
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It’s such poor planning that “ninja” doesn’t have a least one silent letter.
I hit a pothole so hard the woman on the radio bit her tongue
Love is always patient and kind.
According to the heart rate monitor on this treadmill, I died 14 minutes ago.
You know you’re getting old when you have to watch shows that are in English with subtitles
I backed my car away from the intersection so a jogger could run by and they waved at me THREE times.
In my head, we are now married and have two children, Charles and Ariel.
“Hi I’m looking for a birthday card for my mom’s sister”
*hands you an extremely small card*
“WHAT IS THIS A CARD FOR AUNTS”
Yes
“Perfect”
I don’t think my blind date was blind, she read the menu and caught the basketball I threw at her