I just saw the movie “A star is born” and if you think it’s about the solar system you will probably be as mad as I am rn
You Might Also Like
Sighing loudly at a Hogwarts meeting and saying, “This could have been an owl.”
Sorry I look depressed. It’s just that when I heard the sound of your high heels on the hardwood floor, I thought a pony was in the house.
I needed this laugh 😂😂😂
twitter: you don’t owe ANYONE an explanation. ghost him. it’s called SELF CARE
twitter the next day: ghosting is literally physical abuse. DO NOT under any circumstances ghost ANYONE because they will likely decide to take their own life and you will be held solely responsible.
My kids brought me breakfast in bed, then proceeded to eat MY breakfast. If that doesn’t sum up motherhood I don’t know what does.
DEVIL ON ONE SHOULDER: stay in bed
ANGEL ON THE OTHER: go to work
YODA ON MY BACK: get up, so heavy you are
I’m quiet and not great about confronting neighbors, so I renamed our wifi Everyone Hates Your Rooster, Greg.
Him: So what do you do?
Me (hoping to save up for some bushes at the edge of my property): I run a hedge fund.
*maintains eye contact while slowly putting in ear buds as you’re talking to me*
AI could never write that episode of Bones where the serial killer imprinted malware onto the victim’s bones, so when they got scanned in the lab the computers got a virus and set themselves on fire
[slowly unbuttoning my flannel] give me a minute while I slip into something more uncomfortable
I wished I loved anything as much as my wife loves inspecting the pots and pans I wash by hand.
Driving down the road and saw my ex-wife. Funny how “I’d hit that” changes meaning over the years
PARENTING TIP: Never, at any time or under any circumstance, say yes.
I got caught with my hand in cookie jar again.
I really need a better nickname for her.
*calls son at college*
Pop quiz, son
“Ok”
What’s the opposite of a hot dog
“Um…a cold cat?”
Exactly. Now let’s talk about Fluffy
If you are going to call something super, it better have a cape. I’m looking at you, tampons.
In case you wondered how much patience I have for questions today, I just told my 4-year-old the sky is blue because I said so.
Giraffes only sleep 2 hours a day.
If reincarnation is real, fingers crossed that I don’t come back as a giraffe.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: omg is anyone a doctor?
ME: *stands up confidently and turns to flight attendant* you forgot my Diet Coke
Setting a teachers salary based on student performance is akin to paying a zookeeper based on how well the monkeys are behaving.
I highly suggest that you do not google that term.
A fortnight is equal to 14 nights. Unless you live in a fort; it is equal to one night. Fort math is only complicated to non-fort dwellers.
On your first day in jail, when they ask you what you’re in there for, say “the food” so all the other prisoners know you’re a loose cannon.
Falling in love with some people is like hearing the theme music from Jaws, but diving in anyway, convinced you can change the shark
My latest missile blew up on the launch pad.
But it exploded so fast Americav couldn’t tell what type it was.
I’m not telling.
Checkmate.
Mom Holds Knife To Throat Of Dinner Guest Who Offered To Help With Dishes
This Thanksgiving, take a break from arguing with people online and do it in person.
Do you, Karen, take David the Optometrist to be your lawfully wedded husband, for better or worse? Better… or worse? Better… or worse?
22 year old me after a night of drinking: “I hope I didn’t do anything stupid.”
29 year old me: “I hope I didn’t agree to go on a hike.”