Judge: You ran over him
Me: It was an accident
Judge: Then you backed up over him
Me: To see if he was ok
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family fistfights brought to you by Monopoly
“Honey, remember our first date?”
“Awh, are you planning something for Valentine’s?”
“No, I forgot my password. It’s the security question.”
[on a Ferris wheel]
Me: *to my pet ferret* I’m sorry, Joshua, there’s been a misunderstanding
it amazes me that people still say they want a “fairy-tale marriage” when most fairy-tale marriages end with the lady getting angry and returning to the sea from whence she came.
9: Mommy can I have a treat?
Me: It’s close to bedtime so no
9: A tiny piece?
Me: No
9: A molecule? An atom?!
Me: I’m glad you’re paying attention in Science but no. Not even a quark or neutrino
9: Is that a donut?
There are 70,000 Jehovah’s Witnesses in Melbourne for a conference. So I’ll be answering the door naked this weekend.
[looking at pregnancy test]
Her: Well, it’s positive…so weird
Me: [Flashback to using car keys to open condom wrapper]…so weird
Sea snails hide in their shells because they are self-conches.
*runs thru a couple holding hands like it’s the finish line of a marathon.
the first rule of OCD club is that there must be a second rule so we have an even number of rules
bout dat hot dog summer
Never reach into a girl’s purse. Anything could be inside, a bear could be in there. You just don’t know.
me: no shoes in the house
murderer: sorry
BOSS: We need to improve morale
ME: Okay
BOSS: How about an office party?
ME: [crosses out “replace coworkers with puppies”] I guess
My husband, the world’s most notorious non- morning person, set an alarm for 4am today. Early workout? No. Big day at the office? No. Ladies and gentlemen, it’s golf. Not to PLAY golf, mind you, he set an alarm for 4am to WATCH GOLF.
Turns out I wasn’t in narnia, I was in my dishwasher high on bath salts
[1st date]
*recalls buddy said women like a manly man*
*but also, be sensitive*
I like to work with my hands,
But splinters make me cry.
Clark Kent: *removes glasses*
Freddie Prinze Jr: wow I never realized how beautiful you are
All the guys in working out photos look like they’re straining or in pain, but there’s lots of pictures of me with cake and I look happy.
When someone is ignoring your messages..
just text them “I heard something about you”
and then ignore them too😜😜
My mum tells me that she turns the internet off when she goes to bed, incase you’re wondering why your screen just went blank.
i always get a lock of hair on the 1st date in case she dumps me i can still scrapbook about it
*trying a new meal*
Wife: how do you like it?
Son: *hesitating* my water’s pretty good
An apple a day will keep anyone away if you throw it hard enough
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: I’m not psychic, Craig
cop: my name is Greg
me: I work at Starbucks
Learning how to break wooden boards in karate is important in case you ever get in a fight with a house.
me: *trying to quickly and quietly go to the bathroom at 3am so I stay asleep
my dog: Oh cool, you’re up. What should we do now? Play with a ball? Go for a walk? Breakfast? Do you want to scratch me?
morpheus: take the blue pill AND the red pill and i’ll show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
me: they both taste exactly the same
morpheus: *waving skittles packet* RIGHT?
me: OH MY GOD
I would offer to wisk you away on a forbidden, sin filled vacation, but I just paid for an airport mixed drink instead…
Do you ever think of the ex you made a painful decision to leave and just hope in your heart of hearts that someone is annoying them worse than you ever could have?