Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
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*deletes my ex’s phone number*
k, weigh me now.
When you drive, be careful to look out for bikes. Sometimes they’re unchained so you can pull over and just take them.
SEXY FLATMATE: I miss my boyfriend
ME: The doctor?
F: He never comes round anymore
ME [smiling at my room full of apples] Yeah it’s so weird
I like that all the Ikea instructions illustrations always assume I have a friend.
I should put a bowl of this Halloween candy in my office in case anyone wants some.
-Me, working from home. Alone.
If you cut your goat in half you’ll have two goats, that’s just simple math.
Friend: what are your 2018 resolutions?
Me: I didn’t even make 1, let alone 2018 of them
😂😂😂
It’s important to tell everyone you think Valentine’s Day is just a dumb, made up holiday. As opposed to all of the other holidays, found naturally occurring in the wild.
Movie idea:
A slasher film that ends with the heroine gloating as she hands the killer over to the cops, but then she realizes her car is parked over in the same direction. They all have to walk together and make small talk and it’s super awkward.
My 3 year old has been on the other side of the door knocking and making me “guess who” for five minutes. I’m usually pretty good at acting surprised time after time, but the glass door is really straining my theatrical skills.
*third date, back at my place*
me: this is my cat, Meowchelle Obama. you should have seen the cold shoulder she gave me when i brought Meowlania Trump home from the shelt… HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
her: i only date woke guys
me: [trying to impress] i have insomnia
Ordered a new piece of furniture that said ‘some assembly required.’ They delivered a tree stump with a note that said good luck.
4 AM
BLADDER: Get up. You need to go
STOMACH: And you’re hungry
BRAIN: Imagine if Hammer Time was a real time zone. We’d have to move there
CUTE JOKE ALERT!
the nutty professor works in macadamia academia.
CUTE JOKE OVER!
ME (undercover, approaching craps table): One crap please, my good man.
[walks into interview wearing light up Sketchers]
WALMART INTERVIEWER: whoa I didn’t know corporate was coming
*Crawls into bed, hides under the covers in foetal position*
Wife: What’s wrong? Did you only get four stars in a Just Dance song?
Me: it was hard
I always wondered if the distinct piss smell that Burger King is known for is authentic or if it’s just a spray they use.
I think I’m about six months away from the perfect ‘before’ picture.
why this chick look like a soccer player posing for senior pictures
Therapy isn’t enough. I need to run my brain through the dishwasher.
At least I can garauntee that if I’m murdered nobody is going to pull that whole, ‘She lit up a room’ crap.
“Oh I would do anything for cash,
But I won’t do that”– my kids, Meat Loafing me when I ask them to do their chores
It’s that pottery scene from Ghost except it’s me standing behind the Subway sandwich artist helping him make my sandwich.
4: am i asleep?
me:
4: mom??
me: i…i feel like this is a trick
Wish a poltergeist would move in so there’d be someone else to blame when I lose my shit.
I love the National Park Service.
It’s brave, unless you fail. Then it’s just stupid.