all i’m saying is that i probably would have used a different font here.
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why are self checkouts ever closed? am I on break?
I think we see so many men with long beards nowadays because nobody can afford those Gillette replacement blades.
COP: Describe the robber to our sketch artist
ME: He had one eye higher than the other and his lips on his forehead
PICASSO: I got this
[At a bar]
Guy: Did it hurt?
Me: What?
G: When you fell walking in. I saw you fall on your face. Everyone saw.
Well I’m not really sure why you put “Baby: Ages 0-6” on your resume, but more importantly, why were you a baby for so long
10 out of 10 babies hate my baby launcher
laundry day is my favorite day of the week. that’s why I dress for it every day.
My kids: what are we having for…
ME: LEFTOVERS
Her: I’m an only child
Me: There are literally billions of children
When the ex saw 2 wine glasses in my sink, I hope he thought, “she shared a bottle w/ a hot guy” not “drinking alone 2 nights in a row”
Did you click the three dots? Yeah, I clicked the three dots. Okay under the three dots you should see- sorry, what? Oh yes, on some devices it will be three LINES. So if you could just click the three dots or the three lines- what? Oh yes, sorry, on some devices it’s a tap so if
If one more teenager calls me ‘mam,’ I’m gonna
…probably let them carry my groceries because I’m old and life’s hard.
Really mean guy at the golf course called me a 4 and then hit me with his golf ball 🙁
The kid hasn’t pooped in 3 days.
Do I just squeeze him from the other end like a tube of toothpaste?
I draw dicks on my face every Sunday night so my co-workers think I have a social life.
No horror movie can surpass the sensation of touching your pockets and not feeling your cell phone.
January 2020: New year, new me.
May 2020: *primal scream*
My life in a nutshell
My daughter found and ate my hidden chocolate and her reason was she thought they were for everyone.
That
This diet is probably gonna end in murder, but still pretty excited. I’m gonna look so skinny in my mugshot!
Me: *excited as bird flies up to me* Aw a bird friend, hey little bird!
Bird: Sorry, I thought you were someone else.
Ugly sweater day at work. I’m wearing a new, really nice expensive sweater but walking around saying “ugh, please, this old thing.”
Never considered this before, but I might be a “local woman”
My security system is just a bunch of my unpaid bills taped to my front door
A lethal injection that takes two hours has no place in a civilized society. And it shouldn’t happen in Arizona either.
When you said you wanted to show me a stiff one, I had no idea you worked in a morgue.
Does the thirty minutes of cardio have to be all at once or can you spread it out over fifty years?
I was told my $750 iPhone would improve the quality of my phone calls, but my family keeps calling telling me the same shit.
AC changed “self-love” to “seldom love.” So my phone and I are now in couples therapy.