[planning heist]
leader: the security guard will take his break from 3:15 to 3:30 so that’s when you will-[notices my disapproving expression] what?
me: that’s when I take my break too tho
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All day long the girls have talked about wanting grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
I made grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
Them: We meant hot dogs and Doritos…
I’m ready to be adopted now.
My childhood left me with unreal expectations about how often I would see pies used as weapons.
if you want all your cereal boxes and chip bags to look like they were opened by a wild monkey, kids might be for you.
Mom: how’s therapy
Me: ok. my anxiety is better
Mom: great
Me: yeah
Mom:
Me:
Mom: so did u get the article I sent u about the flesh eating b
Overheard 10 plan her b-day party with her BFF, including renting several hotel rooms for a mega sleepover.
Somebody tell her, I can’t.
China: ok. now we start the Great Roof.
it’s sundress season and i have several dresses with pockets and and if you don’t think i’m gonna use them to carry spicy chicken nuggets and mini babybels, you are mistaken
DNA doesn’t make you a parent. Stepping on a lego guy on your way to the bathroom at 3 am does
Your script should feel like a movie. That’s why, before I write FADE IN:, I include six pages of production company logos.
After all these years Jude Law has finally noticed me and responded to my love letters. Something about staying 500 feet away? I’m getting it framed
Doctor: “I’m sorry, sir, but you have an STD. I suggest you make a list of all your partners–”
Lou Bega: “Way ahead of you.”
Tastes victory
Victory: Eww! Stop licking me!!
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself round youHer(flirting): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you were in the restroom
While I usually love my son’s sense of humour, pretending to not know us as we went through airport security was not one of those times
Guy 1: guess I shouldn’t get in the water
Guy 2: why
Guy 2: well it’s shark week
Guy 1: that’s…that’s not what shark week is
I want a pet donkey that will kick people I don’t like on the command, “huh, interesting”.
[mocking jay part 2]
jay: come on guys please stop
Yo mama so fat she plays Temple Walk.
Friend: You’re going to be an usher at our wedding. Is that okay?
Me: Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah.
(at the doctor)
Can u cough for me?
*coughs*
Can u exhale for me?
*exhales*
Can u make kissy noises?
*kissy noises*
Can you beatbox at my wedding? the dj backed out.
if i was a character in a horror movie and something supernatural was happening i wouldn’t be scared because that stuff isn’t real
I exercise by running up the street knocking on all the doors.
Jehovah’s fitness.
Job interviewer: So do you have any people skills?
Me: Eleven confirmed
JI: What?
Me: What?
me: thanks for letting me work from home
boss: *turns off shower* I meant your home
Interviewer: You list excellent negotiator on your resume. Could you provide an example?
Me: *slow winks, slides $5 across table* I’m hired
Sex is a lot like Mario Kart, you go really fast, you throw some bananas, Wario is there.
Judge: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
Defendant: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
J: Stop that.
D: Stop that.– repeat offenders
I bought a big bag of M&Ms thinking I could have 3 every night for a snack, as if I’ve never met me before.
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
Worm: first snake and now me? this is bullsh-
God: I literally just ran out of legs my dude.
Worm: I mean that’s fair.
[Centipede crawls by]
Worm:
God: I didn’t say why I ran out of legs.