My family doctor says “you really need to lose weight,” and my witch doctor says “moh ki kaa raa.” I think I’ll just moh ki kaa raa tbh.
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“Should I vomit at 1am or 3am? Maybe both.”
Executive: What should we name the mutant with neato magnetic powers?
Me: [clearly joking] How about Mag-Neato?
Exec: damn that’s so good
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
Just saw my kid throw the handsoap away with some left in the bottom because the straw didn’t reach the soap anymore. Um, you add water to that shit and keep going. This ain’t the Ritz.
Me at home: Why isn’t there more kindness in the world?
Me while driving: I hate every single person on this planet.
You can let me hold your baby I won’t drop it. If you think I’m the kind of person who would drop a baby you’re flat wrong. And if you’re the sort of person who believes unsubstantiated rumors about me dropping babies, well I just feel sorry for you.
Me: *being patted down* I can explain
Cop: *holding several ziplock bags filled with cheeto dust I had down my pants* this isn’t illegal but I’m listening
Yes, mother, I have gained weight.
No, it was not appropriate to point it out by pinching my muffin top in front of thirty people.
him: how have you been improving yourself with all this free time during quarantine? i’ve been exercising more and eating better
me: [has forgotten the definition of 83 common words, what traffic light colors mean what, my phone number] simplifying
8: *gives me a pen*
Me: *takes it*
8: thanks! I found it in the urinal!
I offered my nephew a donut and he said “no thanks, I’m not hungry rn” and I don’t think this little shit knows how donuts work.
Tattoos tell a story, like tribal tattoos tell a story of a guy that wears sunglasses indoors.
Someone thanked me yesterday & I tried to say “You’re welcome” & “No problem” at the same time. It came out as “Your problem.”
If you can’t afford anal beads eat marbles and wait
I heard someone talk about all the sex they were having for like 20 minutes, and now I know how people feel when I talk about CrossFit.
Dads will be like “I don’t cry” but then get misty-eyed thinking about how beautifully they backed into a parking spot
brain: bored
me: lots of stuff to do
brain: tired
me: resting is also good
brain: stressed
me: alright man
My EarPods died 5 minutes into my walk so I’m going home to watch TV. It was a sign. Exercise is stupid.
Jesus: my child, when there was only one set of footprints, Fred Flintstone was driving.
I’m proud of the fact I’ve never yet lost a fight with a panda.
Whoever asked how can 2022 be any worse than the last couple of years, you jinxed the world. And now I’m coming for you.
Before you storm out of a room, make sure you take your phone.
professor X: what’s your power?
me:
professor X: wow, me too, you’re in.
I always say no to drugs. But, if they ever start deep frying them, I’m in big trouble.
client: i’m nervous
attorney: relax
prosecutor: the defendant is guilty
attorney: oh my god [looks at client]
client: what
attorney: you said you were innocent
Spend a few hours without your phone and you’ll realise what the important thing in your life is.
It’s your phone.
My 4yr old is playing mommy and I just heard her say, “Put your shoes on, dammit!” So now at least I know she hears me when I ask.
Bear Grylls: *waits impatiently for NASA’s call*
A rat followed me home in a dark street in DC, so I pretended I was on the phone with an exterminator