if you eat your burrito over a tortilla, anything that falls out will simply start building your next burrito
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Just once I’d like to see 25 tiny cars come out of a clown.
I don’t really ask for much, just good health and happiness. Oh, and a tater tot as big as my head.
My favorite part of The Bachelor is when a crazy emotional girl starts crying and he’d rather kiss her snot-nosed face than listen to her.
Interviewer: what would you say has been your crowning achievement?
Me: you mean besides making it through the birth canal?
Interviewer: haha good one. How about after that?
Me: Yeah no, that’s about it
Married men aren’t allowed to go the grocery store alone because we’re the kid in the shopping cart, but with money
My friend got stung by a jellyfish so I took a massive shit on his leg & he forgot all about the jellyfish.
I have been successfully sitting in chairs for over 40 years without falling off–a skill I apparently didn’t pass on to my boys.
Me: I like that racecar.
Her: You know that’s a palindrome.
Me *rolls eyes*: I’m pretty sure it’s a Ferrari.
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: Remember what we had last night? Cream of that….
stop
Hubby wanted to start the new year out with a bang – So I shot him..
People who go jogging, you realise we have cars now, right?
I would organize my thoughts but I’m afraid they would form a union and demand benefits.
Pro tip: when your neighbors make you mad, send your 8 y/o son over to describe in complete detail what all 379 of his Hot Wheels look like
Me: *pointing gun at husband*
Husband: are you kidding?? he’s obviously the fake
Obvious Evil Clone: *stroking hideous goatee*
Me: but he does all of the laundry
Husband: oh no
HOPE: why did you name me Hope
MOM: you were our hope for the future
DESPERATE ATTEMPT TO SAVE A LOVELESS MARRIAGE: what about me
MOM: same
This waitress thinks I just left a really good tip, but actually I’m just really bad at math.
My 20 y.o. son: Mom, if you were in Star Wars, do you think you’d be on the light side or the dark side?
Me: I’d probably be the mom whose son abandoned her to stay a slave on a desert planet after he won a flying car race.
“Most people on Twitter don’t send tweets like this” most people on Twitter are cowards
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *strips naked and does running man*
Wife – “….”
“Whale, whale, whale, what do we have here?”
~ God, doing whale inventory & coming across an unexpected non-whale after counting three whales.
Me: That tree is impeckable
“Don’t you mean impeccable?”
*cut to woodpecker with a broken beak*
Me: No. Also how did you pick up on that?
Funny how “criminal attorney” can be understood in two different ways.
Don’t think that computers should be allowed to make those ‘dun-dun’ error noises at me. It’s not polite. I am trying my best.
If you only see two signs about a raccoon room today, make it these two.
I wish I had the exciting social life my mom must have envisioned when she used to stitch my name into my underwear.
How have I got to this age and I still haven’t figured out what you’re supposed to do with your arms when you’re trying to get to sleep.
Going into Monday like
the red hot silly peppers