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My toxic trait is checking my phone at 3am like there’s going to be something good waiting there.
my sister: snowboards
my brother: skateboards
me: charcuterie boards
[at grocery store]
Son: Why is this peach fuzzy?
Me: That’s nothing. You should’ve seen them in the 70s
Decaf coffee. For people who really want yellow teeth, but don’t want to lie awake at night thinking about it.
If you hate being single, imagine being with someone who sets 10 alarms to wake up each day and sleeps through every one of them.
[changing baby]
Me: I would like a very different baby, please
I asked my 5yo to play a game where we see who can be quiet the longest. After a couple of seconds he whispered “this is boring” and I guess the game is over.
[spelling bee]
Your word is “pneumonia”.
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course, you can use any word in a sentence. No more hints.
Boys get 1 polo shirt and wear it till the horse dies!!
Before kids: Why would anyone need a 24 pack of paper towels?!
After kids: Oh.
Being a little kid is so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and you just got your first paycheck from the tooth fairy. Life is good.
[first day as tour guide on the moon]
Me: keep your hats on
Guy at the back: um they’re called helmets
Me: yeah you can take your hat off.
I believe you cannot save people, you can only just love them. Which is probably why my job as a lifeguard didn’t last long.
texting every hot girl in my phone “don’t mention it whatever you need always” and then “oh fuck sorry that was for my mom”
Like my grandma always says… put more booze in the mashed potatoes
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35.
Me: I can’t find my straight jacket.
Him: Please stop calling your sports bra that.
Meeeee too!
ME: I’ve been depressed lately
DOCTOR: Okay, well, try this new med but watch out for possible side effects like depression, mood swings & emotional instability
ME: what
DOCTOR: what
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
Someone in my daughter’s class gave her a whoopee cushion for Valentine’s Day and now the bar is set. She may never love a gift as much as this one, guys. 🤪
There should be a thing in doubles tennis where a player can betray their team mate and join the other team so it’s 3 v 1 but if you lose, you’re eliminated as well and the 1 goes on alone.
me: [staring at myself in the mirror, trying to figure out who i truly am]
my reflection: soooooo what are we
My college career succinctly summed up in a meme.
My son gave me a list of things he’d like in his Easter basket.
This isn’t Christmas, kid. Do you want a chocolate bunny or not?
My kid: I’ll look
Me: No, no one is going to look
Target Employee: Why don’t you take a look at our new collection of home decor? It’s so beautif-
Me: *blindly flailing a knife from under the blanket covering our heads and cart* I’M ONLY HERE FOR LAUNDRY SOAP, DEMON
She- get lost
Me- *jumps in her wardrobe*
*novela book bar*
bartender: let me guess books not booze
him: tequila …
bartender: ’bout time here you go
him: … mockingbird
bartender: there it is
I was winning at blackjack until the pit boss offered to exchange my chips for chips and salsa.
MAMA GRAPE (to Baby Grape): If you’re going outside, be sure not to wear sunscreen so you get all dry and wrinkly!!
PAPA GRAPE: Ah, you’re raisin them well…