My son is the reason I get out of bed every morning. Otherwise, he might attempt to make his own breakfast.
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Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *sucking the jelly out of a doughnut with a straw and putting it back in the box so no one knows I did it*
Great!
Me: *annoyed that 3yo never wants to get in the bath and then never wants to get out of bath*
Also me: *procrastinates getting in the shower because comfy and lazy and then doesn’t want to get out of the shower because comfy and lazy*
Cute waiter: Hi, what can I get for you?
Me: *accidentally barks*
[ date ]
her: i have a PhD
zombie: *jaw falls off*
When you get hired your job should have to provide first and last months rent too, just to prove they can
Chef 1: You can’t serve cake for breakfast, moms won’t allow it.
Chef 2: What if we fry it in a pan & pour syrup all over it?
1: GENIUS!
Walk into a random building, go to a random floor, step into a random meeting, and take a donut. Best donut you’ll ever eat.
[11am]
Me: oh look, it’s sunny out.
Me: I should go running.
Me: or swimming!
Me: these Doritos are delicious.
Out with the cat for a walk. We are still at my doorstep. It’s been 15 minutes.
Ruby Tuesday lures you in with the promise of “bottomless fries” but then escorts you out with “you have to wear pants in here”.
Hope my neighbors like my new pet howler monkeys
Who knows what my boss meant when he said I had a lackadaisical attitude but truthfully I don’t care and I’m not interested in finding out.
Growing up, our family had this really lovely old German Shepherd, I’ll never forget being in floods of tears the day that mum and dad had to sit us down and tell us that he was being tried for war crimes.
When Kevin Bacon participates in a bake off, he instantly becomes Kevin Bacoff.
3 reasons I’m not a hiker:
1. I don’t like sweating.
2. I don’t like getting lost.
3. I don’t like stumbling across human remains in shallow graves.
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
him: anything to declare
me: i don’t really like soup
everyone else in customs: [GASP]
At first I felt loved when the wife called me a trophy until I saw her google taxidermist
I’m already over this Barbie movie. I’m waiting for “Easy-Bake Oven” to hit theaters.
I just did my budget for June. If I don’t buy food … I won’t need toilet paper.
I think I’m on to something here.
I have jury duty tomorrow so whoever it is, they’re getting the chair
Meth is short for Elizameth.
I just got off the phone with God. He’s pretty bummed out. Poor guy has a huge crush on an atheist, but she doesn’t even know he exists.
Million dollar idea: App that mutes all crying babies, barking dogs, and car horns in movies.
Added some new forms of payment to this store…
The best way to get back at someone is to eat toast in their bed.
they told me to make myself at home so i moved their silverware to the more logical drawer
Every Sunday is superbowel if you eat enough chili
Schools be like: make sure to buy your kid a glue stick that we will never use