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She says, the kids want to go to the circus.
I say, that I just saved us $400 by jumping out of the kid’s closet wearing a clown costume.
I’ll never understand people who talk on the phone in a public restroom, because even if you aren’t planning on flushing at some point, I am.
I’m a single dad of 2 pre-teens so naturally at times there are talks of running away; but I don’t
*golf pro picks up his ball and eats it*
*audience claps politely*
Hey remember that snarky insult you threw my way three weeks ago? Well now I have comeback so please repeat it.
If you want to set up a company and run it then that’s your business.
yeah i ate the last 10 donuts, i don’t like a cluttered counter
*bunny hops to the smell of bacon cooking
My wife’s tweezers were missing the other day, she finally found them near a fly with no wings, I don’t know how that happened.
Whenever I watch a home invasion thriller, I’m mostly terrified by how I’ll never be able to afford to own a home.
*gives joke answer to daughter’s 75th consecutive question*
[20 years later, she’s in an office] “Everyone knows the moon was built in 1973”
TEACHER: That’s the third time this week – please explain your tardiness
ME: Well, it basically means that I’ve been late
Did you know that if you drop and break a piece of folk art, it just turns into more folk art?
Ironically, I only know of one person with the name Common.
only writing recipes in wordart from now on
*peeing*
I should get outta bed now, I guess.
My dishes are lined up like my sink is the hottest night club the world has ever seen.
for some *ridiculous* reason the french love to translate movie titles from english to… english
here’s a thread with my all-time favorites, starting with “the hangover”
…i mean VERY BAD TRIP
If you do not brick up your chimney this year to keep Santa out, you’re not taking this virus very seriously.
real
Million dollar idea: an alarm clock that plays Nickelback if you hit snooze.
Sometimes in the middle of eating a rotisserie chicken I ask myself “did I just run a red light?”
Started making anti-inspirational greeting cards.
huge drama on my block rn. basically my crows got tired of the local squirrels always taking some of the food i leave out. so now, as an act of retaliation— the crows are going yard to yard, finding the squirrels’ stashes, & eating everything. squirrels are watching in horror
“I don’t expect much so I am rarely disappointed”
– People who haven’t met me yet
6yo: I wish I was a bird so I could poop on people’s heads.
7yo: Why do you need to be a bird?
I tell people “I’m not looking for anything serious” because I’m hunting clowns.
When people come into my office and complain, I’ve started gently pushing things off my desk while maintaining eye contact. You’d be amazed at how much shorter the conversations are.
A bouncy castle with a low cement ceiling to teach you not to have too much fun