Just saw someone call a non electric toothbrush an “acoustic toothbrush”
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He asked where I wanted to go for dinner, and that’s how the fight got started.
I was in a serious relationship once. We never even smiled.
Don’t make a mountain out of a molehill
Do it with mashed potatoes, then play keyboard for the aliens… I think my cough medicine expired
February 27th, 2020.
I’m 44 years old, standing on the roof, in 40mph winds, of the largest supplier of calamari in the United States…fighting off psychotic seagulls with a broom.
Never give up on your dreams, kids.
OF COURSE IT’S A GENUINE BEETHOVEN! Look at those brush strokes, the stunning use of colour.
“Sensitive” guys who only retweet chicks, you’re not fooling anyone.
[Sick salmon goes to oracle.]
O seer, will I be cured?
*oracle looks into the future, sees giant package of lox*
-Yes you will, my son.
please pray for my sons Thursten and Gorse who have just glued themselves to a curtain,
My neighbor is mowing his lawn.
There is snow on the ground.
[locks doors]
The courtroom I’m in this morning is astonishingly relaxed, and the judge looks like a kid cosplaying as a judge. Doogie Howser, J.D.
“30 shots of espresso NOW.”
*barista’s eyes widen*
Whoa what do you do for a living?
“I STAY AWAKE FOR A LIVING!”
*roundhouse kicks barista*
HIM: My new girlfriend’s name is “Bella”. That means “Beautiful” in Italian.
ME: It also means “War” in Latin…so good luck with that.
I try not to drink in the office because if the boss finds out he may ask me to share
Imagine if you could do crimes like a corporation. Like they find 20 kids in an underground dungeon in my house and I then pledge to reduce the amount of kids in the dungeon by 2030 and I’m praised for my efforts to get kid dungeons out of my industry
yes yes a thousand times yes!
My office manager emailed all 400 employees to inform us that our new paper towel dispensers AREN’T automatic.
The human race is doomed.
I wore a baggy sweatshirt and leggings to Walmart and before I knew it, I was being wrapped in a blue vest while employees chanted, “One of us! One of us!”
a detective agency’s office is filled with cluebicles
Walked in for bread, walked out with 6 bottles of wine. Now we’re having communion for dinner.
“NO NUT NOVEMBER” I scream before stabbing Mr. Peanut with an Epi-Pen
[my acceptance speech at the Badger Recogniser of the year award]
Me: just wanna thank-oh, theres one now
Narrator: that’s why he’s the best
Doc: So, where does it hurt?
Pirate: In me chest, I think its me hearty.
captain: *drops anchor over side of boat*
me: great now who’s gonna do the news
ME: funny how there’s no 13th floor to avoid bad luck
WIFE: yeah, but also, this is a three-storey building
Why do they say “break a leg !” to actors ?
If you said “tear an ACL !” to a star athlete,
you’d be shot on the spot.
Me: You always see zombies eating people but we never see them needing a poop afterwards. Where does the food go?
Therapist: Please. Just stop talking.
If you blast Foreigner’s “I Want To Know What Love Is”, the naked old guys in the gym locker room cover up pretty damn quick.
Plot twist: The Rock isn’t Kid Rock’s real dad.
Laughter really is the best medicine. Unless you have STDs then talk to your doctor.
choose your fighter