[awkward silence while i drive my date home] in my defense some places let you draw on the menu
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Have the people who designed wine glasses ever washed dishes in their lives?
Thank you automatic ice dispenser.
I was hoping to get either 2 or 675 ice cubes.
Him: Mmm…you smell like a bakery.
Me: I just ate 14 croissants.
Well this pretty much sums up 2020.
[Me, on my deathbed]
Wife: Is that what you’re going to wear?
If you love someone, tell them.
If they make a throat slash motion when they see you coming, it’s probably not reciprocated.
I would love my job so much more if I didn’t have to hide my flask.
A 16 year old climate activist wins the Nobel Peace Prize and I’m over here explaining to my 9 year old, for the 17th time today, that the hole in his undwerwear goes at the front.
We need a “your body is changing” talk for people turning 40.
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They found the charred body rolled into an old carpet, locked inside the trunk of a burned out car. The police suspect foul play.
I told my vodka about you.
Kissing 101:
1. Open your mouth
2. Wider, that’s it.
3. Stick out your tongue
4. Then walk towards her and pray she doesn’t run away.
My blood type is coffee.
Me: *stumbles in front of boss at work*
Boss: haha have a nice trip, see you in the fall
Me: *takes 8 month vacation*
I let people know that I’m no weirdo. I say “I’m no weirdo!” From that point forward, it’s just a matter of keeping my mouth off their pets.
Husband: You said you’d work out with me today, but you’re just sitting on the couch.
Me: I’m getting plenty of exercise RUNNING my mouth!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: RUNNING my mouth. You know, like R-
Him: I’m gonna agitate a wasp’s nest and lock you outside
[pulled over]
COP 1: any drugs or alcohol in the car?
ME: no
COP 2: told you he was a nerd
ME: nuh uh I have so much drugs
COP 1: lol gotcha
The kids were being so annoying at bedtime last night, I threatened to take them back in time and put them to bed early.
*wife comes home*
“Did you fix the toilet?”
Yep!
[she opens door & is hit by avalanche of plums]
“You called the plummer again you idiot!!!”
“I’m usually closed off. But if you get close to me, you’ll find that I’ll really open up.”
-Automatic sliding doors
Went to my bosses funeral this weekend. I leaned over and whispered in his ear.
“who’s thinking outside the box now Gary.”
TSA Agent (looking at my ID): Is this you?
Me: I believe that is ultimately your decision to make sir.
Doctors say eating a piece of Bacon takes 9 mins off your life…if my math is correct i died in 1781
I’ve discovered my home doesn’t have a basement.
It was just the estate agent doing that walking down the stairs thing behind the couch
My wife just said that my favorite pair of jeans went upstate to live on a big, beautiful farm.
Me: It’s time to eat healthier and get in shape!
Also me: Excited my ice cream maker will be here in 2 days with Amazon Prime!
Did you ever see someone yawn, and then yawn yourself? That psychological reaction is a phenomenon known as: “Katherine Heigl movies.”
Want to piss your girlfriend off?
Text her “He’s busy.” and turn off your phone.
I want my tombstone to say “Actually, i’m feeling much better”