Swarming gnats, but instead of annoying you, they provide compliments. “You look pretty.” “Dinner was delicious.” “Way to handle that difficult coworker, Chris. We hate her.”
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“Your optimism for the future makes me think you’re not paying attention.”
My mum: It’s a baby shower. Just write “congratulations”.
Me: Yeah like that, baby.
Him: *caresses my back, plays with my hair*
Me: *moans*
Him: *growls* I’m gonna do so many–
Me: *snores, drools*
If I have a son, he’s going to be named Alvin Simon Theodore, and it’ll be funny as hell whenever anyone gets mad and yells his full name.
I didn’t read the safety instructions on the super glue at first, but now I can’t put them down.
“IF THE EASTER BUNNY HAD TIME TO HIDE ALL THESE EGGS AROUND THE HOUSE, IT SURE AS HELL HAD TIME TO DO A COUPLE OF LOADS OF LAUNDRY”
Accidentally cut down a telephone pole for firewood again
Wile Coyote was the original online shopper and helped advance modern logistics and distribution.
:S :C :H :O :O :L – You can’t find happy faces.
I think all the people named Shawn, Sean and Shaun should fight onto death and the winner gets to keep the name.
[clown interview]
Why become a professional clown?
me: [picturing getting hit in the face with cream pies every day] um I like kids
Meanwhile, at School:
Teacher- “How much is a gram?”
Laure- “Depends on what you want”
Teacher- “Out, just get out”
#YouOwnedHimDude
I never chase a man.
I always go for the ones who are too fat to run.
good morning to everyone except the people who make TV shows that include critical dialogue being messaged between characters which is nearly impossible for the viewers to read
They say you shouldn’t drive distracted…
that’s why I make my kids run along side the car.
My kid once went into day care and told them that she’d been watching ‘the nudey nudey boy’ on tv
Jungle book…she meant jungle book
“and this lake shall be called Superior”
all the other Great Lakes: “k wow we’re like right here”
God: go forth and multiply
Me: I was told there would be no math.
Remember when we thought 2016 was a terrible year and wanted it to be over?
Good times.
awkward
Doctor: I have bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: I just lost a ton gambling
Me: whew, I thought I was dying-
Doctor: I bet you weren’t dying
No, babe. The first four alarms are just my commitment to the bit.
I hope you prayed for me in church today.
There’s nothing I have going on, I just like the attention.
Thx
We cut our bangs at dawn.
“Susan cancel my 2 o’clock”
Both hands stuck in Pringles cans again? Here let me help
“no no no I need to learn to do this on my own”
cop: you’re so busted
me: thanks. I just had them done
The 9 circles of hell:
9) limbo
8) lust
7) gluttony
6) greed
5) anger
4) heresy
3) violence
2) fraud
1) shopping on Black Friday
doc: the bad news is your insurance is terrible
me: what’s the good news
doc: you won’t need it for long
35+ crowd getting ready for the Teddy Riley vs Babyface battle
Today’s workout. 5 x 7 min intervals. 1 hour walk. Helped demolish my neighbour’s shed. I’ve never seen anyone so angry.