My girlfriend thinks I’m at work. My boss thinks I’m home sick. These ducks think I’m fuckin’ awesome because I have the bread.
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[Worm sitting alone]
WAITER: Dinner for 1?
Dumb question
W: But-
*worm cuts self in half*
*waiter shrieks*
2nd WORM: I’ll have the prime rib
A Riddler origin movie would be like 10 min long bc he’d only have to tell one riddle before getting beaten up and becoming a villain
Ever realize the only thing stopping you from a life of crime is a good night’s sleep? Anyway, I slept well.
My kids are gathered around the Christmas tree to analyze the gifts. They carefully weigh and gently shake each box, then they put other things around the house into cardboard boxes and shake them for comparison. They’re getting too tactical this year…Santa’s in the crosshairs.
Most airlines will give you a complimentary bag of pretzels and a full can of soda, except for flights to Minneapolis. Those ones only serve mini sodas
jeff bezos can’t become a trillionaire if he gets eaten by a whale
One way to tell if a man is good in bed is to watch him dance. Another good way is to have sex with him.
*picking up coins off the dance floor*
I knew I should have emptied my fanny pack before twerking.
me: what’s ur favorite thing on the menu
waiter: oh definitely the salmon
me: oh yes ok i’ll have the *orders something that is not salmon*
guard 1: choose your path wisely. one of us always lies and one of us alwa-
guard 2: AAAAAAHHH
guard 1: always screams
me: doesn’t that get annoying?
guard 1: *heavy sigh* no it’s actually super awesome
The coolest part of the Bible is where one couple somehow populates the world by having kids from every race and ethnicity.
I can’t see my boyfriend during this lockdown and I’m really unhappy about it!
My husband says he doesn’t care. Rude!
You need subtitles.
Me to every 2yr old.
My eyesight is so bad that, after I took my contacts out last night, I chatted to my cat for 5 mins before I realised it was my handbag.
Mozart at 6 years old: composing a minuet
Me at 6 years old: figuring out which marker is the tastiest
Ear cleaning technician sounds like a solid career path. As far as we know people are going to have ears.
My dog sure barks a lot for someone who needs a pep talk during thunderstorms
My wife is terrified of thunderstorms. The banging outside the window is horrendous, but if we let her in she’ll just get the dog all wet.
Today I found out my nephew is scared of the vacuum..
Today I also found out I have a very dark cruel evil side to me..
Mehh
~Goat, sighing..
I lock the closet that holds my skeletons very tightly. Learned that lesson the hard way after the dog ran off with the wife’s femur.
I exercise by running up the street knocking on all the doors.
Jehovah’s fitness.
No, you lookup addresses mentioned in crime reports to see how close they are to you.
I have no tolerance for people who refuse to give different voices to characters in a book they’re reading to their kid.
I show dominance by calling out her name from outside her window while she’s having sex.
Who said chivalry is dead, I open the door at least a hundred times a day for my cat and dogs.
Craigslist: Meet your soulmate and lose a kidney all in one magical night.
What did the bra say to the hat? “You go on a head, I’ll give these two a lift.” (I’m back to silly jokes. Probably for the best.)