Who wants to go pull on some push doors with me??
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Nice try “Marco Rubio” — or should I say…
[rearranges letters]
“BIRAC UBOMA”
[audience gasps]
car salesman: and I’m 95% sure no one has died in the trunk hahaha
me: ok phew haha
*muffled screaming*
car salesman: 100%
frodo threw my serotonin into mount doom.
I ate a shepherd’s pie for lunch. He was pretty upset about it.
Feels
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
Pro tip: The Labor Day weekend is a great time to start drafting your Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas tweets.
Guys love it when you rest your head on their shoulder at the movie theatre.
Their girlfriends however… not so much.
Bear Grylls: *cuts with knife* These can be edible, but I must avoid the toxic parts.
Taco Bell Manager: You need permission to film in here
If my dad were alive today he would say, “Mark stop telling people I’m dead”
I put on a blue vest and walked out of Lowe’s with 9 hammers
(Hot girl walks in)
Brain: Alright don’t panic. Tell her she has beautiful hair. No wait tell her she has beautiful legs!
Me: Hi you have beautiful hairy legs.
Brain: My bad.
I just saw the movie “A star is born” and if you think it’s about the solar system you will probably be as mad as I am rn
No one:
Me: Is my body still under warranty?
Cat burglar: Quietly steals all your valuables
Dog burglar: Eats your ham, sleeps in bed with you for awhile, wakes you up to go out at 3am
If anyone asks, I’m drinking all this wine to collect corks for a pinterest project.
if someone sees a pic of you and says “wow you’re photogenic” what they’re really trying to say is that you look uglier irl
i listed my ex as my emergency contact at my new job bc if i have a heart attack i need to tell kathy to burn in hell one last time
Both sides are the wrong side of the bed when you don’t wanna get up
My daughter wanted to know what I was protesting when I used to burn cds and someone just go ahead and take me to the nursing home
[gets found guilty of murder]
[sentenced to 3 years of listening to Pitbull on repeat]
[appeals]
[gets sentence reduced to lethal injection]
Glad i moved to a hip neighborhood where everyone is hot and I look like a rat who figured out how to use H&M gift card.
7: You sent me in without crazy socks today.
Me: I sent you in with the backwards shirt.
7: But it was Wacky Hair Day!
Me: CAN’T YOU KIDS JUST GO TO SCHOOL
Dash light: “0 miles to empty.”
Me: “Bet.”
I’d been using my new hand-mirror for over 6 months before I realized it was actually a framed stock photo of a much less handsome man.
Interviewer: can you tell me about a time when you succeeded?
Me: (nods and looks out the window contemplatively) no
Son: Sometimes I wish I was a triceratops!
Me: *imagining being crushed by a meteorite* Me too buddy
If you have ever spent an hour on Twitter then you understand why there’s such an urgency to create Artificial Intelligence.
[Dracula before he got braces]
:F