Watching a special
about climate change. Oh, wait.
This is a window.
You Might Also Like
Taught my 6 yo nephew that he should say “calm down Karen” whenever his mom is mad at him. Now we wait for my sister Stacy to call
me: hey what’s your ring size
her: omg why
me: [closing out of custom bowling ball website] just thinking about the future
“I would’ve gotten away with it, too, if it wasn’t for you meddling bondage enthusiasts!”
i once dated a professional hockey player from Sweden and one night he called me and asked “you up?” so i drove over excited and when i got there he asked me if i could balance his checkbook.
FRED: right
If I was rich I’d have two hedge mazes. One from which there can be no escape. And one for more lighthearted affairs and casual mazing.
People who reply “LOL” but don’t retweet are like if a doctor shook a bottle of pills in your direction to treat your disease.
Just walked up to a white van in the parking lot and it literally sped away.
*Blindfolds myself
*Rage eats candy
The theory that two stacked beds can’t be converted into two regular beds has been debunked.
Me: Leonard Nimoy died today.
Co-worker: From Star Wars?*goes home*
Wife: How was your day?
Me: Leonard Nimoy and a co-worker died today.
If I could be a superhero, I’d be Aluminum Man. My superpower would be foiling crime.
My doctor wasn’t amused when he asked how much I weighed and I said
One hundred and fat
*licks the powdered sugar off the donuts and puts them back*
Boss: I kinda like these new low-cal donuts. Real moist.
The whitest shit about Greek mythology is that when they hear sirens they get closer
I don’t use Tinder, I meet girls the old school way: never
If kidnappers shoved me in a car and put a bag over my head I’d try to lighten the mood by being like It’s getting darker so much earlier these days
Therapist: what would you say to your dad if he were alive today?
Me: sorry for cremating you. I honestly thought you were dead
Every time I go into my boss’ office she tells me “take a seat”. I have 14 now.
AVOCADO: Hello I’m good fat
BACON: *lights cigarette* *punches avocado*
Pretty sure marriage was invented to help people overcome their fear of death.
According to my co-workers, I have the paitience of a saint which my family thought was hilarious until I told them to shut up
Nothing like waking up on a Friday and finding out it’s Tuesday
Saw a deer standing beside the highway this morning watching the traffic go by.Guess he was trying to figure out who’s day he wanted to ruin
Before the invention of the hose, firefighters had to put fires out with their fists.
The best and most reliable advice I can offer is add bacon.
A black James Bond? Wouldn’t work. He’d be pulled over every 15 minutes for driving an Aston Martin.
DOCTOR: have you been drinking enough fluids?
ME: that’s literally all I drink
90% of parenting is making tiny portions of snacks look big and big portions of vegetables look tiny.
Stranger danger is a very real thing.
They nearly always react badly to proposals.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *stops sculpting a Lionel Richie head* Nope. What’s up?