perseus is an idiot, he brought a sword to beat medusa. that’s literally trying to beat rock with scissors
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Every time I see inside my neighbour’s incredibly pristine garage, I wonder what secret shenanigans he is up to in his basement.
Have kids so you can hear them say “why do I have to do everything around here?” when you ask them to feed the dog.
Why do fifty percent of marriages end in divorce?
Well, I’m guessing it’s because the other fifty percent can’t afford lawyers.
6:There’s a monster under my bed
Me:That’s silly! There’s no such thi..OH GOD IT’S EATING MY ARM
6:SCREAMS
ME:KIDDING it only eats kids
ex: i wish you well
me: i hope you fall into one
For the first time ever, my teen texted me a grateful, loving, appreciative text! … quickly followed by:
“sry that wsnt for u”
Wife: You should cut the grass.
Me: Yes, dear.
W: And, you really need to trim that bush.
M: *mumbles* Yeah, you too.
W: What?
M: Yes, dear.
Me: [trying to act normal]
Nearby Person: hey man are you ok
“This is mine”, he growled passionately into her ear. “Are we clear?”
Breathlessly, she agreed. She wouldn’t try to eat his nachos again.
IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE, NOT CHRISTMAS STEVE!!
4th of July Pro Tip: If you’re looking for quality, never buy fireworks from a guy with more than seven fingers.
bury ourselves
Her: Sorry I’m late. I just had the most horrific experience.
Me: Oh No! Did Dorothy’s house fall on you again?
[Argument at family dinner]
Wife: *Whispers to me* Don’t start taking sides this time.
Me: Why not? *sliding roast potatoes in pocket* They’re too busy yelling to notice.
Me getting up to pee after being comfortable in bed
I don’t know the full history of US and Canada but somehow we’ve got joint custody of geese
Friend: I’m worried about you.
Me: *pours tequila over cereal* Why?
[Preparing for a heist]
Boss: Whoa! You brought in new guys? They aint gonna squeal are they?
Me *with a gang of doves*: Naw man, they coo
Wife: Do I look like I’ve gained weight?
Me: Not if I look from really, really far away, no
W: I despise you
I’m Mexican and Filipino. No matter how you look at me, I’m good at cleaning.
Daughter has prom tomorrow so I’ve been practicing my “Menacing Dad Face” all day….so far I’ve had a colleague offer me Tums.
[first date]
HER: It looks like you work out
ME: *adjusting the tissues in my sleeves* Oh yeah, big time worker outer
My new dentist was a former mortician apprentice.
He is different that he likes to bathe you before he does any dental work.
Christian: You need Jesus in your life
Me: But I can’t find him
Jesus: *Hiding in a cave, giggling*
girls on tinder will say “your parents will love me but your neighbors won’t” like what are you gonna do? start mowing at 7am on a saturday??
Autocorrect can suck a bag of docks
I’m excuse, what’s your drunk
Wikigenius
guys in LA in their 30s are like “i love going camping, i love sleeping outside.” and it’s like, ok, why do you bother having your parents pay your rent then?
me: Why is Spider Man in the freezer?
7 year old: He knows why