I’m fine with premarital sex, but marital sex just seems weird. That’s your roommate. Boundaries.
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At a fried chicken place, looks delicious
“THE YOGURT HAD MY GOD DAMN NAME ON IT, NANCY.”
[god creating raccoons]
Take a cat and make him look like he’s committing crimes
If you kill the question, what do you bury?
The question remains.
Why can’t your children be like my office voice mail?
Seen but not heard
If your boss asks you to organize a corporate team building event he does not mean organize a happy hour.
I know this now.
1900: Let’s filter coffee.
1950: We need to filter cigarettes.
1970: We should really filter water.
2015: I want to filter my face.
Girl Scout was out of Thin Mints and Samoas and tried to guilt me into taking those bullshit Trefoils off her hands.
FIND ANOTHER SUCKER, AUBREY.
Someone just followed me and their bio said they were born in the year 2000 and I was like, “OKAY YEAH SURE, so you’re 3?” and then I realized that the year 2000 was 19 years ago and I am an old person.
Nobody invites me to spa day…
Just because I ate the cucumbers off everyone’s eyes and used their face cream as dip ONE time.
Establish dominance by dying while you have out of town guests.
[8 eating some chips]
8: Can I eat the whole bag?
Me: No, just the chips that are inside
Well of course the supermassive black hole that will eventually annihilate our galaxy is a Sagittarius.
*watching a cop walk past during drug deal*
ok relax, just be cool.. “bonjour mademoiselle how much of le methamphetamine dost thou fancy”
What idiot called it the “number of Police Officers in the Precinct” and not the “Copulation”
*sad ghost floats straight through the wall, the sofa, the table, the tv*
me: why so glum, ghost?
ghost: i’m just going through some stuff
STRANGER: she has a book. cute and smart
ME: [taking a bite of the small layer cake i made to look like a book]
STRANGER: a stunning genius
Remember being a kid and writing “FiretrUCK” everywhere, thinking your parents wouldn’t get it? My dad just figured it out and spanked me 🙁
To avoid eating all the Halloween candy, I got tiny Bibles to hand out instead but, nope, I’ve eaten all those too.
[grocery store]
Meat department: 7 people will all try to help you at the same time, they are very excited about this
Rest of the store: reportedly one person works here but he has not been heard from since 1989. His name is Gary. If you see him, tell him his family misses him
A legal holiday weekend implies the existence of an illegal holiday weekend
Me: Do you wear clothes under your robe because otherwise it would be too itchy?
Attorney: My client means, “not guilty,” Your Honor.
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
caveman: *bit by a radioactive cave*
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
*getting kidnapped
Me: Thank you.
“I SWEAR TO GOD, SANTA WILL FLING HIMSELF OVER THIS HOUSE LIKE A SPEED BUMP IF YOU DON’T STOP FIGHTING.”
— Advent door 21
Hunter: We hunt the most dangerous game- man
Me: But statistically the most dangerous is-
Mosquito on the wall: *violently shushing me*
Dye packets but for the person who takes the last donut.
Ever had sex so bad you felt like calling a manager to complain?