teenage son: [mad at me] I WISH I WAS BATMAN [slams door]
me: ok lol
[later]
me: hey what the f-
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On March 17th, 1992, I asked my parents for directions to a restaurant in Brooklyn. As of 7:30 this evening, they’re still arguing about it.
Me: *steps up to the plate, spits, adjusts cup, taps helmet*
Waiter: is there a problem
me: listen pal no one talks to me that way
guy with british accent:
I like to make things awkward at family gatherings by walking up behind each person and whispering ‘I know what you did last Christmas’
some dogs can find bodies that have been buried for years & mine can’t even find a cracker that hit him in the face on the way to the floor
For this Halloween I’ve trained my eyebrows to leap off my face & destroy those who’ve angered me.
[speed dating]
ME: I like your hair
HER: OK
ME: And your teeth are so smiley
HER: You know this is a job interview, right?
ME: *rings bell*
My garden has produced some sick beets, some smashing pumpkins and some red hot chili peppers.
We go on tour in the fall.
Him: “Describe what you’re wearing right now”
Me: (in yoga pants I didn’t do yoga in, T-shirt I’ve had on for days w/various food stains, fuzzy socks bc I’m freezing, hair in bun)
“Just out of the shower so tank, panties and no bra”
Him: “So hot”
Me: *resumes eating ice cream
The only spanish I know is from the song Feliz Navidad, so these last few days have been my time to shine.
“Is Pepsi okay?”
– waitress slowly leafing through Pepsi’s disturbing drawings.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“Cuz im going too fast?”
Cop: Yes, slow down.
“But it’s been 6 months-”
Cop: U can’t move in with her yet.
I’ve never run a marathon, but once I walked real fast across a parking lot because Krispy Kreme was about to close.
“Yes, I need to check in.”
“Sir, this is a burn unit.”
“Yeah, I got hit hard with a series of jokes about my mom, and I had no comeback.”
Found out at my Doctor’s appointment that the disturbing voices I’ve been hearing non stop are called children.
High school teachers: your college professors won’t be nearly as laid back as I am
My college professor:
My son just asked me “what’s an integer?” like I’m some sort of astrophysicist
Phone: Swipe for Face ID.
Me: [swipe]
Phone: I don’t recognize you.
Me: [smiles]
Phone: I still don’t recognize you.
Me: [holds bag of chips in front of my face]
Phone: oh okay there you are
[chess tournament]
RIVAL: [plays move]
ME: [knocks board aside. punches rival in face] Chess!
COMMENTATOR: He’s won every round this way
Coffee for people with no kids
NO SHIRT, NO SHOES, NO SERVICE
Waiter: ahem *points to sign*
Me: oh that’s fine, I’m not ordering anything
Me ten years ago: I can’t believe people are giving up their landlines. That’s crazy.
Me today: I can’t believe people still have their landlines. That’s crazy.
Wife :’Darling, look. I haven’t worn this in 8 years and it still fits.’
Hubby : It’s a scarf!
I WOULD LIKE TO SPEAK TO THE EARTH’S MANAGER
“What do you do for a living?”
“I read. I travel. I love. I laugh.”
“No. How do you earn your bread?”
“Oh I work. But that’s not living.”
Me: *putting on docuseries about the “Yorkshire Ripper”*
Husband: isn’t that the guy who made weird pudding out of people?
Apparently there is a mountain high enough.
“How old are you? Wow, that’s really weird. That seems too young to be a bitch”
That’s why you always keep moving. Don’t leave a digital footprint. Get a new identity, cut ties with family and friends. Keep a go-bag behind your bedroom drywall, stop watching reality TV.
That last one doesn’t have anything to do with being on the run, it’s just a good idea
I never slashed an enemy’s tires, but once I wrote “Your mean” on his dirty back window, misspelling “You’re” just to mess with his head.