just found out the guy who is lying about the trans flag being the “MAP flag” was charged in court as a pedophile
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[first day as a getaway driver]
ME: how did I do
BANK ROBBER: you didn’t need to keep honking I knew you were out there
When she jokingly asks “You’re not a serial killer, are you?”
It is NOT okay to jokingly say, “Well, you’d be my first!” in response.
My brother was the best at hide-and-go-seek. I miss you, Mikey. Wherever you are.
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is really just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, if you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
Very Cool Person: It’s four-twenty, you know what that means?
Me: Hell yeah [starts shoving blackbirds into a pie]
You meet the rock singer Meat Loaf while he’s out with his kids. He says, “These are my boys, Gravy, Mashed Potatoes, and Kyle.”
Psychiatrist: what are your future goals?
Me: I can’t tell you because you’ll try to stop me
If you run through an airport yelling “Marybeth I love you don’t go!” then you can cut through so many lines of people who like romance.
Ok gas pump, enough! Credit or debit? Zip code? Reward Card? Car Wash? Receipt? What octane? It takes less buttons to launch a nuke!
just saw a rat running up the street he’s probably late opening his restaurant
I hate my earbuds.
[Zombie Apocalypse]
Him: Pack your go-bag. No nonessentials.
Me: KMascara
Record player
Albums
Like 4 of his hoodies
Vodka
Charger
Katana
800 thread count sheets
Books
Cheese*dies*
me and my boys moving from one free sample station to another at costco
Find someone who cares about you as much as gmail cares about new devices signing into your account
There’s a tornado warning and we’re about to hop into our blow up pool. If you see us fly by, please don’t hesitate to say hello.
I’m so pale… I don’t send nudes, I send transparencies
When someone you don’t like is eating them, chips sound like 1000 asteroids smashing into the polar ice caps.
my fitness goal is for people to stop adding “for your age” after “you look great”
ME: what’s wrong with my dog
VET: he appears perfectly healthy
ME: i give him a stick and he just stares at it
VET: …
ME: even if I go long, he refuses to throw it
Me: 47 MESSAGES IN UNDER 3 MINUTES?!
Genie: I told you wishing your dog could send you texts was a bad idea
“Charlie, I want a divorce.”
[in a black robe sacrificing a chicken on a satanic blood alter] Why?
Me to boyfriend: You didn’t take the trash out.
Trash to boyfriend: You took me out last night. *lights cig* Didn’t you tell her about us?
“Be cool, be cool,
be cool”~me before I’m about to not be cool.
When a girl tells u about her favorite animal – “I’d eat one” is not the right response.
Time machine ads be like:
“Can you here me now?”
Well, like I said to my television the other day. “How can these people be so stupid?!?”
“My great-grandma went to jail for making moonshine” was probably not the family history topic my son’s teacher expected.
Why is it called a “family who really enjoys artificially flavored drink mixes” and not a “‘Wooh, Tang!’ Clan”?
Aaaaaand tweet.
Being an adult is like watching a foreign movie with no subtitles in a crowded theater, everyone else knows what’s going on and you just nod
I watch medical dramas that are about 5% medicine and 95% drama and I call it studying