waiting for the right context to watch oppenheimer (about 5 years from now on a 8 inch screen in an intercontinental flight)
You Might Also Like
I exposed my kids to comedy in the womb. I was hoping it would get me a better delivery.
I always act like I’m so much better than fantasy protagonists but lets be honest I would 100% touch the book of forbidden secrets, even if it did mean accidentally starting the war of the unclean and maybe also releasing the queen of spiders from her endless slumber
My childhood imaginary friends grew up to become groupies for my very successful air guitar trio.
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
You smell of bins.
The grease on the floor adds an element to Waffle House brawls that doesn’t exist anywhere else in the fight world and whatnot.
[Eating]
Waiter: How’s the meal?
Me: I dunno. Let me check
*pulls out phone
Me: Not good. It only got 2 likes on Instagram
Waiter: …
With all due respect, your kid sneezed on me first.
Stand way over there and let me tell you a funny fairytale. Once upon a time I ate all of your Halloween candy this morning.
no thanks rational thinking your ship has sailed
Every morning I announce that Im going for a jog, but then I don’t go…
it’s a running joke…
I love surprising my girl, today she woke up single!!
Who’s drunk
*raises leg
Food was bad, cabins were dirty, everyone but me was gruesomely killed. Liked the paddle boats. 1/2 star. -Yelp review of Camp Crystal Lake
Self-knowledge is a purple vegetable. Beetroot yourself.
In hell the Mariachi band never leaves your table.
Me: shut tf up, I’m trying to sleep
Brain: ….. SO LIKE I WAS SAYING
I bought a stationary bike last year and, boy oh boy, has it lived up to its name.
Customer: can you help me?
Me: whoa hey look lady, I just work here okay?
GF: just FYI, my dad teaches at the Naval Academy
[meeting her parents]
ME: [lifting up shirt] does my belly button look weird to you?
You can name literally any food or drink to the dentist and they’ll be like “ohhh 😕 that’s actually so bad for your teeth. You should only eat water and toothpaste.”
God: Build me an ark.
Noah: A what?
God *pinching his nose*: A big boat.
Noah *looking around the desert*: A what?
You know that really private/embarrassing stuff you say to your girlfriend when no one else is around? Her friends know all that shit.
Friend: You’ll find love again.
Me: STOP THREATENING ME
My dog: wasn’t me
Me: I know
My dog: honest It wasn’t me
Me: it’s ok really
My dog: [chip packet still on her head] I think the kid ate them
In the near future, little old ladies won’t know how to sew, knit, or quilt, but they’ll take awesome self-pics in bathroom mirrors.
I hope this year they have the courage to legalize diarrhea.
Ain’t no mountain high enough? Have you seen them?
Spielberg missed a great opportunity when he didn’t put FIN at the end of Jaws.
Miley Cyrus has her tongue out more than Jabba the Hutt.
I asked my son to take the garbage out and he immediately tried to pick up his brother and boys are fun.